I posted on here the other day my story so far on the Twin Flame journey - and of course, right before we were due to reconnect in just over a year face to face, there’s a damn plot twist. If you haven’t read my other post basically I’ve been in separation properly since July 2024, though we officially split in July 2023. It’s complicated. Yeah. anyway, we’ve been in periods of no contact but recently he reached out, after I reached out expressed my feelings for him previously.
He told me he loved me, thought about me a lot, called me his baby and asked to meet up. Leading with my heart, I said yes, I was so happy.
But. Of course there’s a but…
Arrrrrghhh
So the next day he texted and says “Sorry about all that that was aggressive/ passive aggressive.” Okay that’s odd, why was my immediate thought? Still I was happy, bit nervous as I’m underconfident about my appearance with him but happy. He then said “still want to meet if you’re on for it”. Bit cold for him, trust me. When he’s wanting to “show feelings” he’s actually a lot more flowery. I started to feel that familiar sinking feeling - is the runner is about to run….
Still, I was happy(ish) though a bit more stressed and nervous now, so I said yes, again. I thought it was strange that he didn’t attempt to discuss any of his feelings with me, call me or talk about us, or what he wanted from our connection - but thought I’d wait and see.
He texted a few times after that but it almost felt like he felt obligated. The texts were total breadcrumbs - and friend zone style breadcrumbs at that. I can’t do THAT with him. I just can’t.
Then I reread what he had said about our meeting he had asked to meet specifically “in a public place”. I thought about this. Now I’m shy, sometimes anxious and a lot underconfident at the best of times over my perceived physical imperfections - but especially with him. I need to know I am enough for him in the physical 3D, even if I know I am deep down on a soul level - which I really really do. Maybe I even need to hear that from him.
anyway I knew I could not meet him in public with him behaving hot and cold like this. I can’t feel rejected again - and not in public. I want to see him and could do a private meeting, say like, at my place - but he’d said public. Arrrrgh. I was super stressed, thought about this night and day for about 3 days, while he was taking over 24 hours to reply to one of my own “friendly” whatsapps. Nothing heavy. Let’s not scare him off.
As for me by this time I knew I had to tell him I couldn’t meet in public. I composed about 10 different whatsapp messages in my notes app. Finally decided to basically say words to this effect:
“ It feels by you saying that that you’re apprehensive about meeting me in a public space so I feel it’s not the right time for you or for me. If you don’t feel safe with me in a private space.
It also makes me feel a bit auditioned or something and I guess I just don’t want to feel that. Also I just got to a point where I have some self worth, enough to stay sober and away from a self destructive path. I want you see you so badly but I can’t go down a self-hating path again, it’s not you yourself that puts me down that path, it’s how I could feel if my needs don’t get met.
There’s also some other stuff that has made me consider and I’m sensing that some of my needs may not get met. I totally understand that you have to do you but I gotta do me too and no criticism at all but I do need certain things.
Not much just I need to feel or know certain things. It’s hard to tell if my needs will get met as we haven’t really spoken in depth, then again I’m pretty intuitive when it comes to you. I do know you love me unconditionally and I feel the same, which is ultimately what I seek. xxx”
It was a bit longer than that and a bit kinder but you get the gist. He took a day to read it apparently as the ticks didn’t turn blue until last night. There’s been no reply though.
I then proceeded to go through another brutal dark night of the soul. Periods of crying punctuated by pacing and being racked with nerves. I thought I was through with that DNOT shit, jesus. This morning I woke up, saw still no message from him and cried and cried again. I did the Twin Flame Garden guided meditation that’s in the Union blueprint and decided to place my faith in the universe and God. I feel calmer now.
I was being totally true to my needs but have I messed everything up?
Oh one more thing, in that meditation I mentioned there is a time mentioned 11:12. Looked at my computer clock today to check the time, had absolutely no idea of the time. guess what time? Yeah…….11.12
Guys, this is a rollercoaster to stay sane. I keep telling myself to forget about the how and even the when and believe in miracles and that anything is possible. Hope you are all hanging in there too.
Yeah having sat with it, I can’t help but feel I did do the right thing at this time. Still, as you know yourself, it’s hard. And yet so we must continue…