I used to tell myself that if I feel detached enough, union will happen. That kept me in a loop of ‘Am I surrendered yet? Did I do it right?’ I think this is one of those traps that you can’t fully understand until you get there. Even most of the people reading this will find a takeaway from skimming replies, but not really understand what it takes.
The union success stories are people who have gone through this, and almost all of them went through separation, where they had to find that balancing act between healing without focusing on the outcome.