Not really much to update, lol. But figured i should.
I recently posted a thread about “Ways Your Twin Flame Has Hurt You” then immediatley erased it because it just felt like too much negative energy at the time as I was really triggered. Now, I feel better enough to talk about it.
I had an important day pass where I was the same exact age, to the day, as my mother who commit suicide 23 years ago. She battled depression and anxiety, but it was the treatment of the men in her life at the time who used her, treated her with neglect and not love, that put the final nail in the coffin & she could no longer tolerate living.
Part of dealing with that as her child is wondering for 23 years if I would do the same as her by that date. Me making it to one day older is a huge deal to me. And I deeply desired my life to be clear of harmful male treatment in her honor (And mine). My ex has moved out now, so it was just my TF who was being intimate with me telepathically while ignoring me and being with others, that was the problem. So I appealed to him a few times about it ahead of time. I said to please give me the one thing I truly need from him; Clarity on his situation with other women before that special date. With that, I could either pull away entirely if he’s with others or relax into the intimacy while giving him space, making it so that date passed clear of mistreatment, in my mothers honor.
FYI: I HAVE to ask him, because energetically speaking, I cannot pull away OR relax for long without certainty that only he can give me. I think that certaintly=full belief=ability to manifiest with energy and therefore fully take a stand one way or the other.
I said if he couldn’t offer that, to just stop approaching me intimatly every night so I can begin a newer, healthier “era” in my life. I hoped he’d understand, given he knows I’ve been abused for the past 24 years by men and all the other things I’ve been dealing with.
But not only did he completley ignore that important day, gave no answers, he also continued the sexual energy the night of that “new era”. It pissed me off really bad, and I don’t get mad easily. 23 years waiting for this day, terrified I’d kill myself like my mom by then, and to having made it was a HUGE deal to me. But he offered not even a note of kindness or support. The callousness was too much, even for me. That caused my heart to “shut down” on it’s own, completley blocking out the intimate energy. I couldn’t even feel it for one full night! I didn’t even try to block it; it just stopped. This was huge because I tried everything beforehand to shield, cut cords, etc so I had some measure of control with the intimacy but it never worked. Suddenly, it did it on its own. It only lasted a day, but I was so shocked it sent me down a path of realizing several things.
I became aware I was still “self sacrificing” beyond my boundaries for what I truly needed and didn’t realize it. I was placing loyalty, and giving full trust without expecting anything from him, as a priority, beleiving that “no expectations” in a TF dynamic meant also not expected fair treatment. But I realized he seemed entitled to that full trust, as if it was a trait IN ME, and not something to be earned by him. Therefore, allowing “no expectations” in this case meant I was constantly abandoning myself.
Since then (been about a week) I’ve been recalibrating, seeing a lot more things clearly. I feel more bold in stating what it was I need from him, in a clear, non-angry way, even though I know he will not respond well. His non-responses (or if he did respond, he did so using DARVO reactions) began to cause less reaction in me. My energy felt more balanced each time i stood up for myself by delivering my truth.
I realized his avoidance is sky-high, beyond anything I’ve experienced before, and there’s nothing I can do about that. It doesn’t matter how much I love him, how understanding or empathetic, how giving, how much I sacrifice… he will always choose his own comfort and fear of vulnerability, even if it harms me to do so. But this entire time, I wasn’t certain of this, which led me down the doubt-path, and remain stuck in limbo, unable to discern the truth of my situation. But his ignoring of my birthday, holiday salutations, and finally, this very important date, all while being as intimate as two being can be on a nightly basis, seems to have shifted my certainty that he will never choose to face himself for this love. At least, he’s not there yet. I do feel pretty upset with Universe as to why it would pair me with someone SO incapable of facing himself or choosing to not hurt others as a priority.
While on the surface, not much has changed, internally, I feel it is. I am certain now I do not desire to offer him a “safe space” of intimacy at night, only for him to then live life like I don’t exist the rest of the time. I tried just “trusting” only to see him still engaging with his GF/FwB. He seems to be fine existing using us both to create a life where he can have closeness without accountability.
I love him, I accept him where he is at, truly. We all have our issues. But I am seeing more and more I must prioritize my own wellbeing, even though I love him dearly. Perhaps I need a few more rounds of heartbreak/triggering by him, and my heart will shut down that intimacy for good on its own. It breaks my heart on one hand, but it sets me free in the other.
This journey is nuts, y’all 
