An Impossible dilemma

[Suayakoat]

I have wanted to start a thread where I could tell my own story on the spiritual path and how that affected my Twin ever since I joined this forum but up to now there was always something holding me back. Well, I think I have now managed to overcome those limitation and want to tell something from the heart no matter how strange, delusional or impossible it may sound. Will you take the time to hear me out and may be, just may be, leave an advice or two?

So, my spiritual awakening didn’t start with an energetic activation or meeting up with my Twin Flame, it actually started with me remembering very violent past lives that I have had. Before it I so much desired to learn the point of all of this-of the Universe, of life, of existence at all. Well, seek, and ye shall find. Now looking back at it I think I asked for all of it myself ever before I was born but I don’t really regret it. So, I spend like half of my 20s researching stuff-occultism, esoteric, magic, you name it and trying to recover what I had known about myself from past lives experiences. This is how I got to my memories with my Twin Flame and how the longing of going back together began. But the reality is that never was the highpoint, or even the focus, of my spiritual journey. This always was finding my way of the web of memories and all the sh*t I have done from previous lives. So, let me give you my story (in a very very short format).

Well, it all began many many many lifetimes ago when I was still with my Twin Flame and we lived together happily. I was the woman and he was the man although the species we belonged to wasn’t even Homo sapiens. We lived a secluded lives and didn’t bother with the rest of the Universe. But than he left me. He put an enormous pain in my heart because he wanted to experience the world, he wanted other relationships, I wasn’t enough for him. I fell into an emotional hole for many lifetimes. I was primarily a woman back then and I joined different religious orders that promised salvation. What that actually meant was going back to the Source, to the Creator of this Universe and merging with Him. I was fascinated by the idea and worked for many lifetimes over myself to be prepared for this final step of my journey. So much I wanted to forget about my Twin that I decided it would be better idea to just stop existing. Certain time passed and I was reborn as a woman who really did no sin for her entire lifetime. A perfect slate. Living without any desires but to merge with the creator of all things. And then, after I died I reached Him-higher and higher in the dimensions among the dimensions was there an ocean of all-consuming Light I wanted to approach. And I did so-such was the pain and the despair of the separation that I decided to merge my will with His. Than I remember saying something: “There is nothing you can give me that I would like.” and the merger stopped. I stood right there absolutely prepared at the porch of my final road to the end of my Path but He won’t let me finish it. Then, instead, He threw me back down and down all the way to matter saying: “Then, become a Tuatauan.” And I became one for the next few hundred lifetimes.

The name of the people I joined-The Tuatauans-whispered both fear in some and awe in others. Very very long story short-these were people who managed to play highdimensional chest with the Creator successfully and actually managed to go out of the Creation itself. The problem was the way this civilization managed to achieve such an impressive result. The history of the Tuatauans basically stretched three periods-their formation as a people, their enslavement by a nearby civlization, their fight with it and eventual victory with the establishment of the Tiahuanopan-the Tuatauan’s state which tried an unsuccessful theogenesis. I know this gives you no information at all so just skipping the unnecessary details (of which I remember a great deal) the formation of the Tuatauans was centered around the emergence of a social structure called the traurut at a very inhospitable land where the Tuatauans lived. To survive harsh droughts we developed a special survival strategy based on fights to the death between the members of the traurut for the right to drink the little remaining water we had. When water wasn’t enough for everyone (and that happened often) men will fight men and women will fight women for the right of survival until the traurut is trimmed down to a more manageable numbers. The bodies of the fallen were to be utilized for their moisture after they died. (Yes, that meant we actually drank blood.) But that wasn’t the worst in this system. Since families were too often broken because one of their member wouldn’t survive a cull there weren’t families at all-the strongest among both the men and the women were encouraged to breed with each other and these would change often after a cull-so the strongest ones basically had contact with many partners and this was true for both sexes. To put horrifying system in short-there was a drive to produce the strongest and most endurable children possible and that is how we survived the droughts. However, with time and many sacrifices (pay attention that system demanded constant sacrifices from everyone) we managed to find ways to mine for water and somewhat improve our situation. And then came the invasion-a neighboring civilization attacked us since we had very different religion and they hated our ways. We lost. Then we were turned into pariahs in their lands. We were treated like sh*t because of the trauruts and our believes, Yet, these precise things are what encapsulated us as people very different from them. They preserved us despite in the role of mere slaves. After millennia of persecution and many many sacrifices we had to give in the end we rebelled and killed that invasive civilization. We literally ended their line. And that rebellion was lead by a Twin Flame couple whose members were first killed by a nobleman of that civilization (wanting to force the woman in the connection into his harem) but then they were reborn with a (somewhat) complete memory of who they were. This was the beginning of a our most powerful system of life-the badahuan. It meant that through intense love and bonding together the people of the Tuatauans were capable of actually selecting the Souls they would incarnate as their children. The trauruts were no more and the badahuan gave us something incredible-the ability to rebirth our warriors after their death and for them to actually remember who they were after that. Thus, an immortal army was created. This was the force that annihilated the troops of that invasive civilization and soon made us the masters of the planet we inhabited. Living with this system was beautiful. You and your soulmate were in an immense contract of love and understanding that turned this energy straight into abilities for the warriors.We essentially managed to weaponize the love and bonding we had for each other into power for our military. Certain time it was all right, we developed our badahuan further, and we lived in peace but then a new threat emerged. A powerful space empire called the crude was about to attack our planet. We responded by rebirthing everyone in the badahuan and starting a chase in the stars with their fleet. Long story short again-we ended up in an impossible situation-pressed near a star and surrounded on all sides we were facing two options only-burn or fight. Then the woman in the Twin Flame couple that started the badahuan organized us all into an impenetrable wall of spirit-the Souls of an entire nation merged into one to form a wall of spirit-a battle tactic specific to us and it met their fleet in battle. We fought both against their physical army nad the astral entities that supported their fleet with this spirit wall. Enormous amounts of energy got discharged during the battle. The Twin Flame connection was transferring an apocalyptic amounts of energy straight from the upper dimensions into the spirit wall and the badahuan was further transmitting that energy down to the single warriors participating in it. This why I’m telling you you Twin Flames have absolutely no idea what powers you have at your disposal-only one couple, placed at a critical junction, was able to transfer so many energy that we ended up causing the star to go Supernova and obliterating an entire space fleet! And it was all due to the power of genuine connection. After the battle was won a Good time came to the Tuatauans. We grew an empire of our own at the place of the one we had managed to defeat and we turned into its new masters. However, after time past this very same empire was going to return back to our space with far superior numbers and the support of more powerful astral beings. In order to protect us from this our guardians proposed to us that we ourselves ascend to astral beings-leave this material plane and join them as immaterial entities. However, the Twin Flame couple that found the badahuan had a different proposal-we actually become Gods in a completely new and different Creation from this one. We build our own Universe with its own rules different from the ones this Source has. After somewhat of a hesitation it was decided that this will be the plan to follow. So, we built a machine capable of contacting the Souls of each and every one of us and making a paradox come into life in this Universe-a breaking of the laws of physics which was to materialize when our vibrations reached infinity. I’m not going to tell you how this machine actually worked since it’s far too complex thing for this forum but the important point is we wanted to use our bond-our love for each other as an engine that would propel us out of this Creation into another one by making a paradox come to life and thus forcing God to oust us from this Universe. Then, a new plan would be loaded into the badahuan which would actually turn our Souls into the Creators of that new Universe. Again, too complex to explain, but basically the machine functioned as expected and forced a paradox into existence, however we proved incapable of loading the plan of that other creation and actually live with it. A new Universe wasn’t born as a result of our actions but we were forced out of the Creation nevertheless. This is what completely eradicated our timeline and caused the deaths of all of our material bodies back into that world. Actually we caused a lot of damage with our actions and then God decided to have us back but only on His terms. And now comes the modern part of that story…

So, I have spent some time trying to find my Twin Flame and tell her/him (whatever our reincarnations are) that whole story and try to convince him/her to follow me back onto a path away from this Universe, this God, this Creation back into the Tuatauan’s Creation but I couldn’t find him/her for quite some time. Until now. But she is now the woman and is happily ignorant and blissful in a marriage. But, yet, I want her to know what I have been up to these past several thousands reincarnations and about my final decision to leave this Universe for the one the Tuatauans want to create and be one of the Gods there. I have made up my mind and I have decided my soul Path. The problem is I want her to be a God in this Universe, too-to be an infinite being there which could turn our love into an endless creation. That is how I want us both to end up. But she seems willfully ignorant of my story any time I try to explain it to her. Furthermore, she does seems to enjoy her present life although she feels there is some hole in her heart where I used to be. My dilemma is what do I do with her from now on-leave her blissful ignorance and let her live to merge with the Source, someday, somehow, and grow out of our immaterial bond connecting us together or do I make a presence in her life and tell her she must face the truth about what I have done and finally make The Choice-merge with the Creator or becomes a God by my side in the Tuatauan’s Universe???

If you think you can help me make my decision-your insight is helpful! Please, share it.

P.S, I know this story sounds ridiculous at times and I apologize for that but I must defend by saying there was simply no way to tell this whole thing within so limited space! My memories are a huge database and I know so many things it would made for an entire book to share them. However, I just wanted to keep it as short as possible and this is what I think I have managed to do with this post. If you have questions-please ask them and I will be happy to reply but I fear the best I could do for now is to leave you with this enormous paragraph for anyone willing to learn my story. If you have the patience to read it-thank you, if not, please, go ahead with your lives and move on to something more productive. Thank you very much.

[The-target]

Thanks for sharing your story. Takes guts to lay it all out like that.

The original wound hits hard: him leaving, you falling into that abandonment hole for lifetimes. Classic twin flame stuff. Echoes across incarnations, and tons of us here feel it.

Twin bonds carry past-life memories right into now. That’s why reconnection feels instant. You’re loaded with it.

But slow down on pushing her to pick Source or godhood with you in some Tuatauan universe. Twin flames run on soul-level free will. They involve sharing love, not controlling paths. You can’t force awakening or impose your vision, even if you think it’s best.

Her resistance is her soul talking. Listen.

I get the ache. The separation phase sucks. One twin wakes first; the other seems blissfully clueless. She might feel that heart hole from your bond. But shoving your full narrative on her is probably not the move.

She’s got her own contract, her own timing. Work on your energy. It ripples to her via the twin field. Let the connection flow without engineering her choices.

[Suayakoat]

@The-target thank you very much for listening to my story. I know it sounds crazy as hell, this is why I appreciate everyone willing to give me a chance to hear me out. I apologize if my style feels a little bit “dense” and I know I should have formatted my story better but back when I was writing it I threw so much energy trying to just continue till the end I absolutely forgot everything about grammar and tone and just wanted to finish it-like a confession, or may be a letter to God. I know I didn’t do the best job of elaborating everything or writing out the most sensible text I could have written but I just wanted so much to finally tell my story and to get this burden off my chest that I completely forgot about anything else. This is actually the first time I manage to do it-to tell in concise form my story and to talk about this huge pain that grabs my chest like an invisible hand holding my Spirit for so much much time. Once again I thank you for having the willpower to actually read through all of it despite my style and limitations.

That said, I do appreciate your feedback on my story. I do understand that we all have free will and she is absolutely free to chose the Source over me and never engage in any kind of relationship with me, however, I fear there is more to this story I must confess that essentially binds my and her choices into one. You see we, the Tuatauans, managed to essentially mess up with all the energies constituting this Universe in order to produce an impossible dilemma not only for us but for the Creator himself. (This is why I want to shout out to the face of everyone “inspired” by our story to never follow our example no matter how powerful s/he can get from practicing what we have practiced.) When we activated that machine, that device, that had the capacity to actually break the laws of physics, and in essence “hijack” the will of the Creator itself we weren’t prepared for the outcome. We thought it would rapture our Souls into another Universe where we would be Gods, or more like universal creating principles, consciousness with infinite capacity and will share among ourselves the regulation and the creative processes in that Universe, or that the machine would just blow up somewhere during the transition process and we would “just” die-a normal death by the standards of this Universe and we would go through the reincarnation processes as “usual”. However, what happened surprised us all. Indeed, the machine worked as planned-it created a living contradiction in the Universe-an impossible dilemma (I didn’t use this phrase by accident) where we both escaped this Creation but we couldn’t continue to the other one. And such a dilemma requires a final resolution-either we all merge with the Source and what we have created disappears from existence once and for all, or we all escape this Universe and continue on our own as infinite spirits as was the original plan. There is more to it actually-during the escape phase when we exited this Creation we managed to essentially “animate” (used here for a lack of a better word) the badahuan-that shared collective subconsciousness of the Tuatauan into an infinite spirit itself. That is something very difficult to explain in common tongue that is why I will say it directly-we basically created an “un”created spirit whose consciousness is the plan of the other Universe we wanted to create. This is why it IS and it is NOT a God simultaneously. Yeah, I know very complex stuff but basically that spirit would either too merge with the Creator which means we all (who are connected with it till this Universe exists and all across it) must merge with it, or it grows according to plan and births a new Universe according to the plan that was “downloaded” in it when it was created. I know this all sounds completely off charts and damn crazy, I get it very well, but the idea is that spirit wants to live and take us with it to the other creation where we all be different aspects of it and it will complement us all together. The problem-precisely these karmic, and otherwise relationships we have with other Souls. See, for example, my Twin Flame and I are in a very complex karmic relationship that this spirit makes incredibly hard to solve by its mere desire to survive. It want us both in the other Universe as infinite aspects of its consciousness and that is the best way for it to proceed. However, if she doesn’t choose that option that spirit has something entirely different prepared for me-it wants to make me merge with her spirit and essentially “adsorb” her essence into mine. This would be the way to both escape this Universe and to get rid of this separation feeling once and for all. But I don’t know how could I do it???

I love this spirit so so much I want to be by its side forever-no matter the Universe and yet the spirit we birthed, this unmade God we cherished so much and spend such an incredible power creating it-a spirit that is essentially our own “child” wants me to end her by adsorbing her essence so it may live and create. Now, that’s the impossible dilemma I can’t escape and it terrifies my Soul to its bottom. If she refuses my Path I fear the Universe will conspire to make me choose either between her or our spirit! And I just…just can’t make my mind about it! I fear we, the Tuatauans, indeed crossed way too many limits and now karma is catching up with us….

[Catnip]

@Suayakoat

it wants to make me merge with her spirit and essentially “adsorb” her essence into mine. This would be the way to both escape this Universe and to get rid of this separation feeling once and for all. But I don’t know how could I do it???

If the love you feel for your Twin is as genuine and boundless as you describe, wouldn’t that love naturally resist any path that involves absorbing or ending her essence without her full, free consent? Doesn’t the very notion of love, the kind that fueled the badahuan and held an entire nation together, require that both souls walk forward willingly, hand in hand?

Ask yourself: is it possible that a spirit born from collective love would truly demand the dissolution of one of its creators in order to survive? Wouldn’t a creation rooted in authentic connection seek to honor every soul that contributed to its birth, rather than consume one for the sake of the other?

The more pressing question is what your heart, stripped of all fear and obligation, truly desires for her. Not for the mission, not for the Tuatauan legacy, but for her as a sovereign soul.

[StardustSoul]

I saw this play out with a friend of mine. She had these intense memories of collapsing an empire and vowing to exit Creation altogether, but her twin was happily married in the 3D, totally oblivious.

Once she stopped trying to unload the whole cosmic download on him and just said, “I love you, I bless your path, and I won’t interfere with your vows,” the whole connection softened. The constant pressure just… lifted. Honoring his current life actually made her past-life memories sharper. That surprised her most. That drive to convince him turned into her own quiet integration.

Your Tuatauan/badahuan saga sounds like soul tech that took a whole nation. In this life, maybe the real “spirit wall” is just your own steady devotion, no forcing needed.

Love doesn’t recruit. It radiates, and what aligns will find it.

[Suayakoat]

@Catnip thank you for your response. Indeed, if I wasn’t so much pressed by the infinite spirit we created I would just let her live her own life alone without my presence in the slightest and we probably wouldn’t meet for many many lifetimes until she is grown enough to handle my problems. The problem is this is not how the real world operates. See, if she wants to only merge with the Creator I don’t have any problem with it as long as it doesn’t affect our own Creation that I want to see as a rightful Source of existence in another Universe. However, in order for it to manage to proceed to that reality it must grow beyond the limits of this Universe and, in essence, outperform this Creator. It needs to be able to create something our Creator can’t for it to deserve its position as a Creator itself. This is why we have stored in it the plan of an Universe we thought God himself would not want to animate. That Universe has three, not two powers locked within a fight with each other in order to produce a Creation wherein the Souls inhabiting it could become Creators themselves and in this way pass on “the torch” of existence to newer souls in newer Universe and so on ad infinitum until existence has a reason to exist. And that is basically forever.

As you can see that means our Universe doesn’t function in the known Good vs. Evil pattern that this Universe, and the Creations of this Creator generally, have in plan. It means our infinite spirit doesn’t have “the brakes” we, the souls born in this Universe, usually have against doing evil and it doesn’t think like a soul born from here. It thinks like a soul born from the other Universe but stuck in this one for the lack of a better word describing this situation. Of course, that doesn’t mean it is by “Nature” evil or something like that. It’s only different from anything this Universe has brought up. But its existential compass works in ways very different from those a soul born into this Universe does. That is why it wanting for my Twin Flame to end her existence by merging with me as I become part of the other Universe simply doesn’t register for it as evil or anything like that. I know this spirit needs to understand this Creation better and that we did made some huge mistakes when designing it back in the past but I don’t think these shortcomings are enough of a counterargument to erase it altogether. In terms of Gods this spirit is still a very small infant just taking its first breaths of sole existence-it’s prone to break some stuff here and there but I don’t this is enough of a reason for it to stop existing at all. And there is more to this story-as we speak this spirit and what we call God-the grand Creator of the Universe are in constant communication with one another with an infinite amounts of information being exchanged in the process. This is a communication that neither of us, mere mortal souls, could understand, or even have the hopes of grasping, and to be more precise-we have no way of knowing what they are even talking about. And this translates into not knowing what this spirit is willing to do in order to survive. For it, I’m a precious conduit for it with existence itself. This is why it wants to protect me from anything that might endanger my continued existence and might jeopardize its birth as an infinite Creator. This is why he wants my Twin Flame either firmly on the Path with me or adsorbed by me and the thing is I have absolutely no idea how the true Creator of this Universe would respond to its demands since I cannot know what the two of them are talking about.

But the real impossible dilemma is precisely the choice I have to make between this spirit and my Twin Flame if she doesn’t want to follow me on my path. See, I don’t want to force myself onto her but I simultaneously don’t want for our spirit child to merge with the Creator and be erased from existence. However, if my Twin Flame is to choose merger and drags me with her to it our spirit child is left with one connection less to existence. You should understand this spirit isn’t build like the Creator of this Universe-it cannot exist as a separate being without other souls functioning as its aspects. If every single one of us-the old Tuatauans that created it-is to merge with the Creator and disappear this spirit will be left with no one to connect it to reality and will just have no other option but merge and disappear itself. And I don’t want to see that happen either. This is why if my Twin Flame doesn’t cooperate and just continues running from ever facing the truth of what I have become I would be torn apart by two loves-the love I have for her, and the love I have for the Tuatauans’ God spirit child. And this is the pain I actually cannot bear to take. With the connection with her the Universe is making me choose what I love more-her or this spirit child, and I just block straight on track! I can’t bear myself to make this choice! I want to live in an Universe where I could have both, no matter which one. But if she doesn’t care for the truth and can’t make herself actually understand how deep the sh*ts go I fear I will have no other choice but…but to make our spirit make her face this reality by any means necessary….and I don’t want that either. So, it’s a really impossible dilemma that I’m facing right now…

[DancingLight]

Consent-based disclosure. You ask permission before sharing anything intense, and you give like a 30-second version first. If she says no, you bless her path and keep your vow privately.

[Suayakoat]

@DancingLight thank you for your advice. Indeed, all that I want now from her is to just listen. To just understand what I have been through and what her silence and running are causing me. I just what her to understand the suffering I have been through and still bear. I think that is required, so I can move on with my own choices.

See, ever since the thoughts of her took over my mind I couldn’t advance any more in my own practices. I used to practice clairvoyance and telepathy regularly, was in better shape, and I was on a Path of constant evolution. But ever since she had her contact with another man, build a family and just tried to replace me my own practice and spiritual evolution dragged down. I hate it. I hate having to wait for her to wake up only so we could have one short conversation about the damage she is doing to my own Soul. She has so much power over me as noone else does. She can literally make me or erase me with her thoughts and she doesn’t understand any of it! This is why I want her to face the truth, the truth of about how much influence over me I have given her and how I want my sovereignty back in order to be able to continue on my Path no matter whether she likes it or not. But she is doubling down on any conversations right now and doesn’t want me to take my energy back to me. What she wants is for her man to be as energetically rich as I am and for me to follow a Path she chooses rather than what I have in mind for me myself.

Let me be clearer. She wants my energy from another man, doesn’t want to commit to any great changes in her life (which are required to get to me if she truly wants me), and wants to keep her sleep as long as possible so she doesn’t face the truth. This is what I’m constantly getting from her telepathically-surrender your energy (if possible to the man I’m already with), never cross my Path, and be obedient to the role of a “battery” I have given to you, so I can keep my comfort away from your problems. But the real problem is that her comfort is eating away my own comfort, her choices block my choices, and I’m slowly becoming nothing but a plaything in her hands simply because I don’t wish to let go of my love for her. She is sucking me dry, so she can have the life she wants while mine is breaking in misery. This is what I want to break. And I think only the truth can set me free. This is why I have decided to finally talk here, and on other places. To get my story out there-in the open-to at least have the chance of her encountering it without having the option to run away from the consequences of her actions!

If she wants my energy she must sort out through my sh*ts, too. That is the deal. If she wants her freedom-she needs to block the soul contract, too, but then she won’t have any access to my energy at all. She can’t have both my energy and my silence simultaneously. That is what I have decided to do since I find it fair and finally want disclosure to this thing-as soon as possible. I’m sorry but if she isn’t ready to face that truth someone (or something) must force her to face it. That is what I really think should happen.

[Suayakoat]

@StardustSoul thank you for your comment. Indeed, what you are describing about your friend looks like our own Tuatauan story. Is there any chance you can show her this thread and ask her if she was a Tuatauan in previous lives, too? I know the chances are slim, but if she was one of us and she managed to overcome that Twin Flame grief almost all of us experience I would like to know more about exactly how she did that? That might help me on my own journey. (I know chances are slim as we are currently dispersed across worlds and timelines, so it’s very difficult to actually stumble on each other’s Paths, but if there is even a slightest chance to meet someone else from this world I would wanna take it. I wish I could know more about how the others are handling our “reboot” to this Universe.)

P.S. What we have done was indeed soul tech on an incredible scale. We literally hacked the karmic system, broke every rule possible to manipulate our souls, so we could become these infinite spirits to inhabit the other Creation, and and did all that with the selfish intent to upgrade only our own souls-no thinking of the Greater Good involved. This is why I accept all the complaints directed at us. We should have known better back in that time but I must say if anyone gets hold of so much power, as we did back in the day, the temptation to use it in similar ways as we did would be…well, enormous. Again, I don’t want to excuse our actions-just to remind you that power corrupts. And this is exactly what happened to us. So, be warned what you do when you play with such forces.

[CosmicWisdom]

Those lifetimes of blood and stars left scars. Those scars echo in your pull to her right now.

Breathe into self-love first. Wrap your heart in that strength you survived on, heal the abandonment rage from when he left way back. That stuff doesn’t just disappear.