You’re carrying guilt for feelings you didn’t choose. That part sucks, and a lot of us have to go through it, which isn’t fair, but you feel guilty because you are doing something wrong. You have to be honest with the person and tell them you still have feelings for someone else (at the very least).
What would it look like to just let yourself feel without judgment? Guilt doesn’t make us more loyal. Sitting in shame doesn’t serve you or anyone else in this equation.
The guilt doesn’t get weekends off.
Try working in the same office as your twin - that’s my situation. Sitting across from mine in meetings while my partner texts about dinner plans. The cognitive dissonance is unreal.
Have the conversation sooner rather than later. I know you don’t want to but this conversation will only get harder and harder to have.
I don’t think carrying around the karma for hurting someone else could do anyone on the journey any good.
Was just thinking about this today. My soulmate actually shows up for me. Does the work, loves me the way I’ve always needed to be loved.
And then my twin drops breadcrumbs every few months and somehow that still has a hold on me? Why can’t I just give my whole heart to the person who actually deserves it…
For me it’s less about guilt. More this deep, quiet sadness that just… settles in.
The heart holds what it holds. Sometimes that ache is just part of where we are right now, hard as that is to sit with.
That NPC feeling though. Like you suddenly woke up in the matrix and everyone else is still asleep… except this one person.
Decade-long marriage, kids, the whole thing - was perfectly content (or thought I was) until my twin showed up. Now I’m basically an energy addict who needs their presence just to feel fully alive.
And the universe just… ‘here’s your perfect life, but also here’s this person who makes everything else feel like a simulation’
That guilt you’re feeling shows you genuinely care about not hurting your boyfriend.
This is good, it shows you’re ready to make a choice that goes against the “short term feeling good” for what you want for the long term and you can put someone else’s feelings beyond your own. You would think is a bare minimum for humanity but these days it seems like a tall order.
You already know the right thing to do.
I think this is really important advice, but maybe it’s worth considering that meeting your own needs shouldn’t come at the expense of being honest with the other person involved?
Like, I think part of the inner work here might actually be finding the courage to have that difficult conversation with the boyfriend. Maybe honoring your needs also means honoring your integrity? I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I think sometimes what we need most is to be truthful, even when it’s hard. The guilt might be pointing toward something that needs to be addressed rather than just worked through internally. I think maybe true surrender includes surrendering the fear of having uncomfortable conversations too.