Healing Help - Body Image/Sexual History

General
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Hey! TMI alert. You’ve been warned! Lol.

There’s one area triggered hard by my twin that I cannot shift or heal, no matter what I do; Body Image and Sexual History. Let me break down the areas:

  1. MY Body/Sexual History. Mom Bod and Beyond, lol.

I’ve had four kids, and each time, I gained 100+ pounds ( blood sugar issues that ramp up in the last trimester and while nursing). I’ve lost it each time and am healthy weight. However…this wreaked havoc on my body, creating a lot of loose skin. I’m 43, but from the neck down I look like I’m 83. Stomach, breasts, arms, thighs, butt, back…all saggy. I nursed for 4 years total, creating uneven breasts as one was the better milk-maker. And don’t get me started on how my under-carriage looks after all the weight loss and kids. On top of THAT, I had a surgery as a teenager that gave me a horrible scar from navel downward. So my lower stomach looks like a saggy butt.

NO amount of excercise will ever make this go away (and I certainly don’t have 20k to get the full body lift I’ve always dreamt of), making me hopeless

Sexual History; 3 men total. First was a date rape, & he slept with someone else the next day. Second: Abusive and was clearly in love with a prettier girl he cheated on me with. Third: Abusive ex-husband who chose porn girls over me.

So I; A) Never felt good naked. B) Never felt safe intimately. C) Men always chose other women over me.

  1. My Twin’s History (as I know it)

He is very handsome and never had children. Both his ex wives, and girls he’s dated, were young, haven’t had kids, and were very beautiful. He could probably get any girl he desires. Also I believe he prefers girls with curves, and I not only have a “rectangle” body type, but inherited my mother’s pancake ass, lol.

I don’t know how many women he’s been with, but it feels like it’s a good deal higher than me.

For all these reasons in my mind I think, surely IF Union happened, He would either cheat on me. Or wish he was with someone hotter, or prefer porn…just like the other 3 men before me.

  1. Telepathic Sex

Check out my thread to learn more on this, but we began sharing telepatic intimacy in July 2024 and has been near nightly since. In this space I felt safe and loved and sex MEANT something for the first time (for me, the intimacy feesl MORE real in all ways than pure physical. So It all meant everything to me.

So it triggered me badly, when I found out he was still sleeping with other women. When I told him how bad it hurt, I got the vibe he was like “I do what I want, I don’t owe you anything, and I don’t care how it makes you feel”. He also knew I had trouble escaping his sexual energy, so I not only know he’s intimate with others…I also have to feel it/live it.

Suddenly, I realized he embodied all three of my fears from my past. (that he wouldn’t desire just me, or he’d cheat, choose porn girls, etc). Clearly Source/God/Divine created a perfect-storm situation that forces me to face and heal these issues.

  1. CAN’T HEAL IT. HELP PLEASE.

Due to early bullying for being a fat girl, social conditioning, and my past, are making this area hard to heal.

I know that “Love” can make any body beautiful, and I certainly don’t care myself. However…real world is, the miracles my body performed having children are respected, but not attractive. Men like hot, young chicks, porn is normalized, and we’re expected to just deal with that or be labeled prudes. THIS is the reason I’m having trouble healing. I know reality is he likely wouldn’t find my body attractive and he’d always look at/desire others. NOW, I’d never date a guy like this. But he’s my twin…and I know I’ll always love him more than anyone else.

So how can I feel beautiful and confident in myself when I know I’d literally be the most unattractive woman physically that he’s been with? :cry: How can I learn to appreciate my body for what it’s accomplished, and think it’s beautiful? Does anyone have any thoughts, advice or techniques that could help?

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Hello beautiful @StarGirl. You know I’ve followed your journey for a long time and am always in awe of your ability to be honest, raw and vulnerable.

I have faced similar situations to yours while growing up. I suffer from eczema, especially around my legs. So I’ve always had horrible scars and scabs all over my legs which contributed to my low self esteem and ability to see myself as beautiful. I was bullied a lot in school (the girls use to call me diseased and dirty). But when I met my Twin when I was 17, it was the first time I ever truly felt beautiful, seen and cherished. He saw my scars, physical and emotional, but never once made me feel like that changed how he saw me. Beauty after all is only skin deep. Even reconnecting in 2023 after 22 years apart, that feeling he gave me when we were together was the same. When he looked at me I knew and felt beautiful. As much as all this sounds warm and fuzzy, it also mirrored back my own wounds from my childhood that I never fully healed; I think I just buried them very well in a place I never thought they’d resurface. The truth is, even though he made me feel beautiful, I never truly believed it. And that was one of the lessons on my own Twin Flame journey. Can I learn to see myself the way he sees me and truly 100% believe I am beautiful no matter what society deems “beautiful” is?

With this thought in mind, I started to take baby steps: learning to say “Thank you” when someone pays me a compliment, as opposed to saying “No” or “That’s not true” or brushing it off. Finding the parts of myself, whether physical or not, that I cherish and find are unique to myself. I also do meditation exercises to speak to my “inner child/teenager” and we talk about all the things that make us uncomfortable and how we can grow and learn from the experiences life has thrown at us.

It’s much easier said than done; shifting your mindset takes time. A lot of it. But I truly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it is skin deep. Our connection with our Twins are soul connections that exist beyond the 3D. They see us beyond the physical, and because of that I believe that when he sees you, the flaws you see in yourself will not be seen in his eyes.

And in case no one has told you this today: You are beautiful. You are special. You are incredible. I may not have met you, but I can feel your energy through your words. And all I can say is that you are beautiful in my eyes :heart:

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You are so sweet, thank you :heart: And yeah…me and my big TMI posts will never end :face_with_hand_over_mouth: I find naming/describing those most vulnerable details to others helps lessen the fear. Perhaps, because I feel understood, which is validating. So thank you very much for your response.

So funny how out of all my traumas in life…Abandonment, Abuse, Neglect, Erosion of self worth…it’s BODY IMAGE that is the hardest to shift, lol. Baby steps are a good way to approach it. I just feel a little lost as to what those baby steps are, so I’ll take what you did to help this issue to heart. It’s a tall order, dissolving a 43y/o learned link between Worth and Surface Appearance. Society, apparently has done a tremendous job of making sure that’s a staple in my psyche.

I think a lot about my daughter, who is 8, and already compares herself to celebrities. I do NOT want to model body image issues to her, so I’m a bit desperate to get rid of this.

I think it’s so wonderful your twin made you feel beautiful :blush: We never had a romantic physical encounter, so I can’t say if my twin finds me attractive or not. Mr. Complete Silence that he is.

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Hello again @StarGirl!

It’s nice to run into you again. :slight_smile: I was wondering where you dissapeared to! :sweat_smile:

Thanks for sharing your experience. I know it take a lot of courage to be so vunerable. Well done!! :hugs:

That being said, could I ask you 1 simple question?

If you did happen to somehow obtain a spare 20k for that full body lift, and you would choose to go through with it, would that trully make you feel accomplished and appreciated?

You’ve pointed out yourself how there is a prevalent societal belief that physical beauty is highly desirable and valuable in women.

And that IS true, no matter how much we try to deny it. However, there is also another hard truth that hidden away and is very rarely, if ever, talked about.

And that is that being a physically beautiful woman is just as isolating of an experience as not being one, and that it will not protect you from abusive partners in the future.

If anything, it might serve as an invitation for more of them to manifest themselvs into your reality.

But hey, I know, I’m not the “right” gender, so what can I possibly know about this topic. :roll_eyes:

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Yay, glad to see you here too, Scorpio! :hugs: I had my account closed due to privacy reasons concerning my ex and then couldn’t get it turned back on, lol.

Thank you for your question. It’s a very good one and you make some very good points. I definitely wouldn’t want to do it for the wrong reasons. But I would go through with it, because my body has been through a lot. So I see it as kind of a reward to my body for all it’s done and been through, and reverse some of the damage, versus “I have to do this surgery or I’m hideous”.

I’ve had: 4x100+pounds gain and loss. 4 pregnancies. Nursed 5 years total. The physical abuse in the past. A major surgery where I almost died that left that scar I mentioned. And while these had no external damage, I also almost died due to sepsis and years later post-partum pulmonary embolism.

So yeah… I think my poor body deserves a little treat. But I’ll never have 20k to do it anyway…but one can dream. :blush:

I hope you’ll make your own thread soon here so I can catch up :heart:

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I see…

It would serve as a form of “self-love”. Got it!

What can I say, you would certainly deserve it! :wink:

As for me, you didn’t miss much. Still taking on one what is arguably one of the hardest challenges a man can face…married life. :joy:

Out of respect for my twin privacy, I woun’t post anything about their life experiences. But suffice to say…poor girl can’t catch a break when it comes to romantic relationships. :sad_but_relieved_face: