I struggle a lot with patience. A lot.
My twin somehow can be patient with anyone. Anyone. Doesn’t matter how hate-filled or stupid the things they are saying are. She can smile, tell them it’s okay and see where it comes from.
Two years of actively working on it and… I’m still below average, but I’m a lot better than I was. Still a work in progress.
The biggest change for me has been reaching a place of peaceful acceptance after years of struggle. I no longer put my twin on a pedestal like some untouchable divine being, and I can clearly see their human flaws while still loving them. I think our souls needed me to see us as equals, probably mirroring dynamics we’ve healed from past lifetimes together. I went from complete desperation to genuine contentment with whatever unfolds, while somehow loving them even more deeply than before.
Twin flame awakening can trigger some serious personal transformation, apparently the connection acts as a catalyst for confronting fears and healing wounds. You basically sped up 15 years of therapy in however long it’s been since meeting them. The book, the art, the music, your creativity is clearly waking up alongside everything else.
…I must admit that I’m at the verge of giving up right now (3 years no contact, and I’m in my mid 20s in an Asian country). But ever since we separated, I’ve never discovered so much of myself that I had never considered/repressed in my younger years, being a kid all over again in an adult body. So. Many. Choices.
There’s like, a side plot that also contributes to this development though. I’ve been fearing this one guy (mutual friend of ours) for the longest time for no reason - and then I discovered the reason - I reacted so horribly it’s definitely one of the factors to our separation. I feel like I’ve been released from my shackles to not walk on eggshells anymore since twin walked away.
Maybe my twin is only a karmic or catalyst. But I will forever be indebted to them.
First was my abandonment wounds which were violently triggered by them withdrawing. And at the same time the so-called friends I had and my therapist and even my neighbours all at once either projected their insecurities on me or made unfair judgements about me without hearing me out (another massive wound for me). So all at once, I had to face all of that and figure out how to separate my past traumas from what was presently happening to me, and other people’s judgements from what I knew deep down to be true.
Then, my spiritual Awakening happened and I changed so so much seemingly overnight. That inclination had always been there for me but I had spent so much time in spaces that looked down on spirituality / was raised in a religion that was very restrictive that I just never felt able to own the call. But then the day after they had shut the door on me, I started intuitively reading tarot (I will never forget that they came up as my ten of cups in my first ever self-led reading) and conducting meditative journeys that led me to the wounded parts of me so I could work with them and find them their peace, I began to receive visitors in visions and dreams who gave me some info about our origins, which I’m still working on figuring out. I worked with Saturn, and Jupiter, and Venus. I stumbled onto the language of twin flames and everything clicked into place. Then the dreams came and they helped me heal even more. I finally was able to forgive my father and release my connection to his darkness and festering wounds that he refused to ever acknowledge or work to heal. I finally made peace with the boundaries I seemed to “out of nowhere” set with former friends and former partners who had feasted on my energy. And so so much more. It was like a top-to-bottom clear out.
Before them I was a serial daydreamer. When anything painful was going on in my life, I’d find a way to escape when the volume got too loud. I have felt every moment of our separation, every trauma anniversary, every painful comment or act I’ve been on the receiving end of. I’ve been made to sit with it all and feel every bit of it. And I have felt my twin’s presence every single day since we first met. They’ve made it physically impossible for me to hide from any of the heaviness. I don’t even know how I did it, but all of the work that our separation had forced me to do had made me able to face my nightmares without falling apart.
That was another thing: since meeting them, I’ve had more vivid dreams and nightmares than any other point in my life. They were recurring and they even played out as continuous episodes, even to the point where I’d recall memories from previous dreams while dreaming. But they all led to me healing something massive. And they were always there in some form to hold my hand as I faced the ghosts that haunted me.
I also feel I’ve changed physically as well. Even in the height of my initial separation distress, the first time my mother saw me since I’d met my twin, unprovoked, she said I looked more at peace than ever before. There have been times I’ve looked in the mirror and I’ve been overwhelmed by my reflection and I realised I was seeing myself through their eyes. And as someone who’s genderqueer, when I look at myself in the mirror, more and more I see me.
Even some of the most ridiculously trivial things we spoke about, like the fact that I hate the rain but also can’t stand umbrellas. I finally sorted out getting a raincoat and the past few times I’ve gone out, it has rained and while I still hate the rain, I can handle it so much better than before.
I’ve done so many things that I was scared of doing for years or had been avoiding. And it keeps on going. They’ve given me the strength to change so much, and I hope that I’m doing the same for them. I am not at all the person I was when we first met. And I’m grateful. It’s maybe not how I wanted the journey to begin but I can’t even sit and fantasise about a version of our story where they didn’t go away to heal because I feel more and more just how necessary it’s been.
After meeting mine, I started taking my health more seriously. I conquered all of my addictions. I cut certain people and things out of my life. I took a break from creative endeavors because the creative I was before was shaped by others rather than myself. I started reading, playing video games, and watching shows again. I got my first real job in years. I started spending time with friends again. I even got a new car (used, but I’ve been carless for 7 months). I got back in touch with my spirituality. I started prioritizing fun while balancing responsibilities. I stopped needing psychiatric meds (and have been stable since titrating off). We aren’t together romantically and are currently in separation, but she and this journey have changed in me ways I never thought would be possible.