Trying to let the things I cannot change go.. any advice?

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I thought I would just ask some advice on here. I’ve been trying my best to break this cycle of thinking about this person nonstop and while I have a lot of moments where I’m able to do that, I pretty much get to a point where I cry every day and I just feel this deep sadness in my heart. I have never had this difficult of a time letting go of someone but this is not healthy and I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

Should I seek some professional help?

I’m in therapy to work on a lot of trauma issues that I’ve had related to my divorce and relationship stuff in general. Trying to break bad habits from the past, etc.

However, I have never brought this situation up in therapy and I’m honestly scared and embarrassed to.

But I’ve got to do something because I’m just exhausted and I would like to be able to find some peace. It’s somewhat affecting my job, sleep and other life duties.

I want to learn how to turn inward and start healing but I’m at a loss. I think I’m doing it for a while but then I still get this sadness that comes over me and I feel like I’m totally stuck.

Any recommendations or guidance?

I have prayed over and over to be released from this but it doesn’t seem to be helping.

I’ve been doing this for 11 months now and I stopped seeing this person 9 months ago. And the signs just keep getting harder to ignore. I don’t even understand it anymore.

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Also this lump in my throat feeling.. I feel like this is something I only used to experience when I was WAY younger.. but lately it has been occurring a lot. Sometimes crying helps, sometimes it persists even after I cry. And I just had my physical exam and everything is normal.

Can anyone relate?

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Yes, I can relate.

I see it like this for myself: You will think of your twin, no matter what. Because they are part of you, so don’t fight it coming up. When thoughts of them arise, the healed version of you would “observe” the thoughts and let them come and go without incident naturally. Like waves coming in and receding over and over. If there is something unhealed, thoughts of them will “hook” into you. And that’s the #1 clue something is there inside yourself to look at. It can be difficult, because at first all you can think of is how they triggered you, and the sometimes seemingly cruel ways they’ve hurt you. So when people say “look into yourself” and not at THEM, it can easily feel like they are being let off the hook, and the entire issue is your fault, but this isn’t true.

The only way to stop the thoughts from ensnaring your attention is to find where the pain is AMPLIFIED inside yourself beyond normal reaction/limits/feelings, and heal that.

For example… your TF ignores you when you really could have used their support. You feel abandoned, which would hurt ANYONE. But someone WITHOUT abandonment wounds would process that hurt, then move on. But if you DO have abandonment wounds, what they did will become all consuming, looping endlessly. because of that unhealed part of yourself.

And thats the true “gift” of having a TF. They will dredge up the deepest, darkest muck and FORCE you to heal because you feel stronger for them than anyone else on the planet. It’s why its so painful… you’ve likely avoided facing these parts in yourself your entire life.

Once you do this (I do it through meditation, inner-child work, and radically loving and reparenting myself) and that same trigger or thought crosses your mind again… suddenly you realize the edge is off. It hooks in less and less until the thoughts cease to bother you. You will feel aligned and whole in yourself, which you can totally tell when you are, because thoughts of them don’t hook you, and you feel less of your thoughts outsourced to others.

And so it will go, back and forth, until you’re all healed up. Your TF still is accountable for how they choose to treat you, but you’re accountable for that part in your amplifying the pain/longing to the point it consumes your attention.

So my advice is to DIVE IN to the thoughts and feelings. Wittle down precisely how they are making you feel, and find the earliest example in your life where you felt that way, and heal that.

Other than trying to painfully distract yourself… and likely failing… its the only way I’ve found to make it through. Because as you said, you cannot change anything on their side. But you can totally re-landscape your inner world.

Big hugs :hugs:

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@MysticShore654 — what’s preventing you from seeing your person? You should just reach out. If you’re feeling it this strongly, they probably are feeling it too. I wish I had better news, but you can’t pray this away. I think about my TF 24/7 and I’m not exaggerating. Sometimes I panic and tell myself “I cant live the rest of my life like this!” I feel like I’ll literally die of a broken heart. I cry probably twice per day. Deep breaths of you can…try to move your body/exercise. I’ve tried to just lean into the experience. That’s all we can do.

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Well there’s a lot. But the 2 biggest things are that she’s married and we are both women who I think both had an awakening several months ago (first time attraction to the same sex). Maybe not though.. maybe I just read it all wrong from her end but certain things seem to be inexplainable otherwise.

But basically she’s married to a man and it’s a complicated situation. And it’s just her.. I’ve never had an experience like this with any other woman. Always been with men.

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You sound like you are already working on yourself and when you acknowledge a lot of it is spiritual that’s where the exhaustion comes in. It comes with a price but the rewards are amazing. Letting go is one thing and you seem to have already done that too. Surrender. Powerlessness. That’s what comes next. You are not in control of the actions of another human being. If they are truly yours they will be back. No exceptions. But you must first admit to yourself the above and then live like it’s your truth. Which it is of course. That’s when acceptance kicks in and once you are there the pain will stop. Well maybe not completely but I promise it will be way better.

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If you don’t mind me asking..what types of things happened that made you feel like it’s a TF connection? Also, how’d you find this forum? I knew nothing about TF/Soulmates, and something just pulled me to start researching what the heck this could be. I’d call it otherworldly. The love is nonsensical. If my TF called me right now and was like “let’s go to Mexico? Italy? Florida? anywhere!”…I’d be like “what time is the flight?”. You aren’t crazy, what you are feeling is very very real. I’ve never felt this way for anyone…even my former spouse. If you feel this strongly about her, you should just reach out. I used to “blame” my TF for our distance, and then I realized I was doing “weird” stuff too—like acting like someone who wasn’t interested —because I think I was afraid of getting hurt. The whole time, all I wanted was to spend every waking moment with her. I was sick over it, lost a ton of weight. Going back to your TF…just because she’s married to a man means nothing. Not that I don’t think marriage is important, because I’d marry my TF tomorrow, but we’re all adults. Life is too short to stay silent.

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I feel your pain, and I’m sorry that you’re going through a hard time right now. I can relate. And it’s even more difficult when you’re trying to move on with your life, but the Universe keeps putting signs/synchronicities along your path. Sometimes it’s like you’re not even thinking of them while you’re busy, then you hear a song…and you’re back in that place again.

I’ve cried so much on this journey. Hits me the most sometimes when I’m driving. I just find myself sobbing to myself. Coincidentally, my Twin confessed that he experiences this while driving too. The crying for no real reason while driving. But I digress.

What helped me a lot on this journey was journaling and mapping out my thoughts. At one point I was also noting the signs and synchronicities that I would notice because, like you, I also wondered was I seeing and experiencing them coz I was looking out for them, or they truly were messages from the Universe. Now I stand by this: I don’t believe in coincidences. Sometimes I think if I had left my house a few minutes earlier or later, I might not have seen this particular license plate. Or if I walked into a particular room earlier or later, I probably wouldn’t have heard my colleague playing THAT particular song on the speakers. I’ve gotten to the point that I try to accept and receive those little nods, and acknowledge that it means I am on the right path, and that I just need to keep walking

Salt scrubs and a warm shower also can be quite soothing, especially after a particularly hard day.

I hope today is better for you :growing_heart:

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