I think this time around, the trigger touch my deepest or core fear, that’s way it’s lasting so long, it has been 5 days, and still counting, if tomorrow I wake up heavily thinking about him. But actually I hardly remember, do I ever wake up without thinking of him since this journey began?
This is a question I often ask myself too. And personally, I don’t think that we can ever really stop feeling; I think it’s more surrendering control of the outcome. When we start to act or do things a certain way to get the attention of our Twins, that probably isn’t true surrender. I feel with time, we become more at peace with the wave of emotions that sometimes surge through us. We learn to not allow them to dictate our actions, but instead identify the source of those feelings and work on the wounds we still have inside of us.
Well, I agree with you. Usually, when something triggered us, the purpose is to show us, in which part of ourselves still need attentions. Often, it’s something that we need to release our grip or control over the situation. But, this trigger is one of a kind, in a same level as my trigger before DNOTS. It could make me want to stop dead on the track, put it down and leave it altogether.
Make me question myself, do I actually never stop chasing, never step on surrendering threshold? If it’s a test, my students will say, “Miss, you made the problem to difficult for us to solve, please go easy on us next time.”
That’s actually what I prayed last night, “God, please have mercy on me. Don’t make this love hurt me.” And my usual prayer, when I feel overwhelmed, “Just take this love away, I’m fine without it. You could take him away, too.”, To think about it, I already said it many times.
I don’t know how close a proximity you are to this colleague of yours, but for your own well-being, I would excuse myself from any further interactions with her. The last thing you really need is someone who is constantly triggering you when you are trying to find peace in this situation and heal
We’re in the same batch of civil servant selection. So, in every group chat of our batch. Then, at school, she is one of the curriculum staff, part of the school management. We bound to interact often related to school curriculum and how it’ll influence my teaching subject. She isn’t the decision maker, but she can give a suggestion to the one. I feel the reason she made an updates about missing my TF, partly because I refuse to substitute a coworker as an exam supervisor, because I have a deadline task that need to be done two days after, and if I agree to supervise, I won’t have any sleep for the next two days to finish it. And, yes. I have difficulties to refuse a request before, I prefer to made myself suffer than have altercation with other people.
So, when I see the status, not opened it of course. I feel like I’m being punched in the gut. Because this update, being upload less than 5 minutes after she reply my text, and you need to change the setting first before upload it, so that only me can see the status update. That’s why, I feel it’s a deliberate action.
And, I’m too tired with her. So, basically, I just ignoring her existence altogether, for now.
Well, it’s a typical runner defence mechanism.
That takes a lot of courage, especially when you’ve had some not-so-nice responses before.