So I know (at least I think I know) that the runner and chaser roles can reverse, but (and this is a big but) what happens if they don’t? What if the chaser just lets go, surrenders and the runner still keeps on running?
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Back when I was in separation, I was stuck there for a long time. For most of that time, I just refused to surrender.
Surrender meant giving up. Walking away. Accepting that maybe this whole twin flame thing was just “something I made up in my head” or maybe it was real and it just wasn’t meant to be.
Neither outcome was okay with me. I couldn’t do it. The connection was too real. Too undeniable.
So I kept holding on. Kept reaching out. Kept waiting for him to finally see what I saw.
It was exhausting. I was pouring everything into something… someone who kept pulling away. And the harder I tried to close the gap, the wider it seemed to get.
One day I just… ran out of energy.
I didn’t run out of love. I still loved him. Still felt him with me constantly. But I couldn’t keep running after someone anymore. It was like my legs gave out.
So I stopped. Started focusing on my own healing. My own growth. My own life.
It felt like letting go. It felt like the end.
It wasn’t, of course.
It was the beginning of actually understanding what this journey was asking of me. Union with my twin started with union with myself.
Surrender isn’t giving up on your twin. It’s giving up the need to control when and how they come back. It’s trusting the journey… even when you can’t see where it’s going. Especially then.
Most of the people who tell me they’re “in surrender” are lying to themselves. I don’t blame them. I did the same thing.
They are trying to pretend that they’re not thinking of their twin. They’re trying to block it out. That’s not true surrender. Not truly ready for union.
Will the roles reverse if you surrender? Sometimes yes. Sometimes the runner finally stops when they feel you pull your energy back.
But sometimes they keep running. For a while longer, at least. That’s okay because surrender was never really about them.
Your focus needs to be internal right now.
Yes, I believe that the purpose of twin flames is to reach union. I believe that the relationship you get from it is unbelievable, but before you get to that, you need to become whole on your own.
That means breaking the cycle of chasing external validation. That means learning to honestly surrender to the point that you don’t care if the roles reverse or not.
It means trusting that this connection exists for a reason… and that reason goes deeper than whether they texted you back today.
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@Cassady nailed it, as usual.
When I finally stopped chasing, it wasn’t some big decision or anything, I was just… tired. Every journey is different and none of us really know what state you’re in and if you are really ready to stop chasing or not. I would read this thread carefully before anything else though:
What I can tell you for certain is that the runner does feel it when you pull back, even if they’re not spiritually aware at all. They might suddenly feel lonely or abandoned without even knowing why. And like you’re saying about roles reversing - that can definitely happen, but it’s also possible the separation just extends for now. Neither of you is forcing anything at that point, which is where you can start to really do the work.
True surrender means you’re genuinely redirecting that energy toward yourself. Self-love stuff, working on your own wounds, all of that. The second you pull away thinking ‘ok now they’ll come to me’, you’re still trying to control the outcome.
For everyone who just stumbled across our forum somewhere… this is almost never the case. I think what trips people up is expecting immediate results. Social media is still glamorizing being a twin flame and making it look like a Hollywood movie.
Sure, sometimes the moment you stop chasing, they’ll come running. As @Cassady said… If this is what you’re hoping for, then you haven’t really stopped running.
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This is such a valid question. The short answer is that when you truly surrender, the runner feels space instead of pressure. That space allows them to process everything and that’s the only thing that’s going to allow them to come chasing you. Not force them to… allow them to. That distinction matters big time.
When the chaser withdraws their energy through surrender, the runner gets room to think about what was happening. A lot of runners try to replace the twin flame connection with other people or distractions, and when the chasing stops, they often realize how tiring it is trying to find that connection elsewhere. It can trigger their own inner work to begin.
When you see people complain that the runner isn’t doing anything… usually that is not their choice. They’re not being given the opportunity or space.
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The whole chasing thing gets so old. If only the runners felt the same way 
When the chaser pulls away and stops contacting the runner, they initially feel relief. But then it hits them and they can’t stop thinking about you. They feel you and want you more than before. Can go into soul shock, actually - that overwhelming isolation and sadness, dark night of the soul type thing. They also start to understand they caused the separation, which brings up feelings of regret and unworthiness.
The runner often carries more masculine energy (this isn’t about gender, men can be divine feminine and vice versa) and they run because the connection is too intense. They fear it’s moving too fast or seems too good to be true. When you stop chasing, you’re removing the dynamic that was keeping them running in the first place.
You can try to ignore them, but you can’t actually remove the bond. You can choose to stop focusing on them, though. And that’s usually when things start getting better. When the chaser stops, the runner starts coming back. Not always immediately obvious, it could be months or longer.
One more thing - chasing usually comes from fear. Fear that you’re not enough alone, that love won’t stay. So when you stop chasing, you’re healing that fear in yourself too
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Okay, here’s my mini rant about this whole dynamic: Why do we always frame it like the chaser has the ‘right’ program and the runner just needs to get with it? Like, your program. Who decided your timeline and your vision of how this should unfold is what’s best for both of your divine healthier selves?
The runner is running from everything. They’re chasing this desperate need to feel better about their lives while feeling completely powerless to change anything.
Maybe when you ‘let go and surrender’ and they still keep running, that’s the answer. If you’re still chasing energy at all, even disguised as surrender, maybe they’re just not meant to be yours right now.
I remember when I first found out about twin flames, what happens as the journey progresses and thinking oh ffs I’m not chasing after some bloke! 
Even if he is my twin flame. I mean I probably have done that in the past with other guys and been really clingy (including my own stbx husband when he would threaten to leave me). Once that relationship died I decided I was done with men, online dating is just depressing and I rarely get approached irl anyway. So if I met anyone in the wild, fine, but I was just going to enjoy my life. And I did. I was doing lots of fun things this year. And then I met my TF in the summer. And he ran 4 months later so I’ve not seen him since and we’ ve only spoken about work stuff.
It’s hard to switch off and not think of him but it’s definitely not as obsessive these days. I hope he’s happy and doing well. I’m curious what symptoms he’s experiencing, if he’s getting bombarded with my name and stuff like I do. But I’m giving him space, not sending him a Xmas message or anything that might make things worse.
So I’m sitting back and not actively engaging with my DM. He’s finishing up for Christmas today and my team mate is dealing with his requests. I’m getting hella tingles down my neck and back, on my lips and burning feeling in my heart chakra though.
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I could relate in what @Cassady said, the first time he called it quit, using the religion as an excuse, I still reached out to him, trying to make a contact, asking for help, everything that we usually do to engage.
After the second time, I grew tired of his actions, of unrecruited feeling, of a breadcrumb. So, after a quarrel, I let myself shut down. We’re in separation and no contact for a year and 4 months now. The lessons is not starting rightfully after, I feel the divine give me some good rest, before it hits the fan.
About 4-5 months later, my DNOTS started, it’s not a grand DNOTS that come with a bang, it’s like a never-ending pulses that run in the back of my systems. And for the next 6 months, I’m battling with my mind, my feeling, myself. I feel beaten, mentally tired and physically exhausted.
I can’t count how many times, I pray and beg God to just free me, to take back the love that I feel. Even I have an idea to just find and choose someone else, maybe distraction could help. But, even though the opportunities arrived, I can’t bring myself to took that path.
I think after 6 months of DNOTS, everything will go slow, lighter. But, this year August, one of my female coworker confess to me that before our second split (we’re not really commit to something at that time), she already came into the picture. They often texting each other, eating outside, sending picture to each other. She said that maybe I’m a book-smart, but I’m stupid when it’s coming to love. Then she, truly caught a feeling, but she can manage herself. Asking me, why can’t I move on, whereas my TF already move on to her and maybe someone else.
Honestly, everything she said, open all my wounds raw. I still doesn’t understand her motivation for saying those stuff to me, but when I have enough, I decide to cut her energy off. Then, she starting a passive-aggresive action, for the example upload an update on social media that can only be seen by me, about my TF. Actually, I still keep a respect to her as a coworker, but 2 weeks ago, she posted an update again saying, “I miss you ‘insert my TF initial here’.”, of course can only be seen by me. And, I loose all my respect to her.
Actually, I just stopped crying before I write this reply, because I see my TF today, unexpected. Weirdly, it’s not the first time, but today it hit harder than usual. I fear that eventually he choose other, or he already in serious relationship with other person, but other than this, what I fear the most is that I will left to carry this love by myself.
So, I feel that this is when a state of surrendering come to play. You’re facing uncertainty, doubt, fear, and there is nothing you could do other than giving yourself to divine will. My tears isn’t drying yet, and I can’t do anything other than admit that I’m afraid that my fear would come to fruition.
I think ‘coming back to yourself’ mean that we need to stay true to ourselves. Said love if you love, said afraid if you feel fear, draw boundaries if needed. You don’t have to said it in public, silently acknowledging it will do.
And, so, after coming to this point, even after got triggered badly, you’ll think of yourself first, what lesson or clarity we get, what could we do about it, what emotion need to be released, before thinking about our TF in the first place. In the end, the ‘what if’ question won’t come into our mind, because we put ourselves first, we care more with ourselves.
I don’t know in what place I am right now, whether I’m still in chaser mode after all this months, or I shift into the running one. But, the labels doesn’t really matter, because clearly I’m not as ready as I think I am. My body still reacting to him as strong as before, my wound made me brace for the worst scenario.
The question is:
Can we love without losing ourselves?
Can we wait without shrinking ourselves?
Can we speak without chasing?
Can we stay open without self betrayal?
Clearly, I’m not in the right mind to think about those question, because I feel so tired right now. What I want to do is erasing him from my mind.
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I remember your story so well, @Yaneka_Herma. I’ve been wanting to send you a message privately to continue our conversation, but I can’t seem to on this forum. But regardless, I am spiritually sending you love and light every day.
Nearly two and a half years into my journey now with countless separations and brief reunions. But still I would not dare say that I have completely surrendered. Recent interactions have shown me that I still have a lot of work to do.
Reading this resonated with me and my journey. Allowing space. And if anything, relinquishing whatever control you think you have over the situation at all.
The last few days, I’ve mentally being reflecting on my interactions with my Twin over December 2024, and now in December 2025. These have both been the periods of time that he has resurfaced after a 5 month, then subsequently 10 month no contact separation. In December 2024, I was very much completely in chaser mode. When he contacted me, I pounced, I desperately tried to keep conversations between us going by asking lots of questions, I was basically like a dog with a new chew toy. Looking back on that period now honestly makes me cringe because that is not who I am as a person. But my desperation for validation from him made me sink into a version of myself I did not recognise. How he was behaving activated all my abandonment wounds and unleased parts of myself that I never truly faced or healed.
Then came Jan to Oct 2025. Complete and absolute silence. And during this time, I found myself turning more inwards towards myself. Discovering the parts of myself that I kept hidden even from my own consciousness. I prayed, I found solace in my life, and I continued to remind myself every day that I am worthy of love. Self esteem and self confidence as always been a battle for me.
Did I miss him? Every day. Did I try to not think about him? All the time. Did that work? Not in the slightest. But the one truth I discovered is faith. Believing in something when there is no physical proof. All I had was myself, and what I felt, and what I knew. I found cathartic ways to express my own emotions, and slowly but surely over this period, I found peace in myself. And honestly, I found joy too. Not in someone else, but in my daily life. I started smiling when I was hit with synchronicities and signs, being grateful for experiencing this journey despite all the pain, and just the faith in knowing that there is magic in the world.
When my birthday came around this year, I did not expect to hear from him. But there it was at 11:59pm, one minute before the day was over. 1 text message and 7 videos. His birthday present to me. In the next few weeks, there were sporadic messages…and then, the one message most of us chasers hope to receive. A simple, “You’re missed”. And in that moment I realized that even though he could not put a name to what/how he was feeling, he is going through this journey too. In his own way. And all I can do now is to send him love while he goes through his own journey of discovery and healing.
His return has also triggered parts of myself that have not completely healed. I sometimes feel myself slipping back into old patterns or emotions that no longer serve who I am.
I’m sorry that this has become a short story. I guess what I am trying to say is that allowing space for something to thrive is the healthiest way to allow it to grow into its full potential. I don’t know what the future holds right now, but I go by every day with peace and grace. Standing in my power and being true to who I am. I am no longer waiting, but I’m sure he knows by now that I’ll always leave the light on for him
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Hi, @eunichick, I’m happy for you, and reading your situation right now made me smile. A stable energy is hard to earn for sure, but you truly deserve it after all this time.
Actually, from late November until last tuesday, a university asked me to help them evaluated their students final exam, it’s some professional teacher’s program, so they could have a raise in payment. I got a lot of experience from that, but at the same time I only have 3-4 hours of sleep for three weeks straight, and I still have my regular work hour at school starting 7 AM to 3 PM. Practically I’m exhausted. So, when my coworker updating her post, actually I’m on my last straw, mentally and physically. And, it hit me hard, especially after 3 days before that, my TF attended the workshop that usually he never cared before so the three of us in the same room together but far apart.
What I’m wondering about is why she needs to privately tag me like that. If she want to find comfort because she thinks that we’re in the same boat , I think it’s not morally right, because for me she came in the middle. I talk to my spiritual teacher about this, and he said that my coworker see me as a hindrance between her and my TF, it’s better that I’m not even exist, and my teacher said that it’s in her right to think about me as the bad guy, even though I didn’t even know about them until last August, after a year of separation. And, it’s in my right to think alike, but she is not my responsibility, her emotional state isn’t my responsibilities, too. And, I’m agree with that statement.
So, yesterday, when my TF come to the school office, after months of avoiding it like a plague (at least when it’s a high possibility that I’m inside), it caught me off guard seeing him there. More over, when I heard my coworkers tease him about wedding invitation, marriage date, or I don’t know what else, because it already triggered my core fear. But, the positive side is, I realize that my fear of seeing him married someone else is part of my core fear that is, being left to tend this love by myself.
Well, I think all that yesterday break down truly needed, right?
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Thank you for your kind words as always, @Yaneka_Herma 
I am sorry to hear about your co-worker causing you such discomfort and pain. From what you’ve shared, it does sound like she is intentionally trying to get a reaction out of you. I feel that sometimes people do unkind things to validate their own insecurities. You don’t deserve to be at the receiving end of it. And with your exhaustion from work as well, I can imagine you must have had all your guards down. I wish I could give you a hug right now
And wow. The 3 of you in the same room? Did you and your TF exchange any words or shared any eye contact at all?
Given all I have read, these karmic connections our Twins have with other people are lessons that they need to live and learn from. Sounds to me that you might be better off keeping a distance from them and just seeing how it all plays out. Hearing your colleagues joke about wedding invitations etc must have also hurt. I’m sorry you had to experience that
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When the chaser truly surrenders (and I do mean genuinely lets go, not just pretends to), it creates this energetic shift that the runner will feel, even if nothing visible changes right away. I’m still working on accepting that their response (or lack of one) isn’t something I can control. That’s the hard bit.
Thank you, for the hug.
I think she needs a validation, but I’m not the one who will give it to her, not when she never considered my feeling before hand. And, I try to keep everything professional with her, but apparently she isn’t.
Well, in the same room, she is MC-ing the workshop, I and my TF sitting far away, across the room. At some point, maybe we exchange any eye contact, because I see him look at me, but I’m too busy with my side job, also my eyesight is too bad, can’t see clearly with our distance. But, after the workshop over, I don’t have any idea that he is standing in front of the exit door, honestly my heart skipped for a beat, but I need to put my dirty glass down first before going out from the room, when I exit, he no longer around .
I’m pondering about this lately, when we decide to stop chasing, usually there’re two outcomes from this, either we start our journey to surrender, integrating and embodying our lessons or we regress, avoid all the emotions, the lessons, in the name of detachment.
Do we failed if we still feel strong emotion, intense longing, heaviness, fear? Is surrendering means we’re void of any emotions. and feeling? Does it means I’m still chasing if I feel fear?
Before, I think I’m ready, stable enough, so that l can see him face to face with more grounded energy, that I won’t get easily triggered again, but turn out from last Friday encounter, my conclusion is I’m not ready enough, grounded enough, and my fear immediately spikes up from a conversation that actually has no clear direction, but succeeded to make me brace myself for the worst possible outcome. I feel like I failed myself😅.
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The runner leaving can be when the real awakening starts, but that doesn’t happen when we want it to.
I’m curious, though. Has anyone else found that watching your counterpart move on with someone else, seeing them happy and living their life while you’re falling apart, is actually what finally triggers the ego death we need? The anger, the betrayal, feeling completely unworthy…
In my case, yes. I see my TF updates a status on WhatsApp, a pic of him from behind, at a barber, then the caption is like being accompanied every where, with a pink heart emoji. It push me into a DNOTS, because it’s so heart breaking. Even though, I said, all comrades in the old forum tell me that I can’t believe anything posted in social media truly represent his state of mind, nor action. But, yes. It triggered my DNOTS, it feels like you’re living but at the same time, you’re not living, too.
This is a question I often ask myself too. And personally, I don’t think that we can ever really stop feeling; I think it’s more surrendering control of the outcome. When we start to act or do things a certain way to get the attention of our Twins, that probably isn’t true surrender. I feel with time, we become more at peace with the wave of emotions that sometimes surge through us. We learn to not allow them to dictate our actions, but instead identify the source of those feelings and work on the wounds we still have inside of us.
I have been going through this too recently. This time las year was when my Twin ghosted me, so even though Christmas is meant to be a joyous time, I feel myself bracing for impact, so to speak. Because I feel as though he’s going to pull the same thing on me again. I feel fear to be hurt again. Given, I am in a much different position to where I was last year. But that fear can’t seem to go away.
I don’t know how close a proximity you are to this colleague of yours, but for your own well-being, I would excuse myself from any further interactions with her. The last thing you really need is someone who is constantly triggering you when you are trying to find peace in this situation and heal.
And you most certainly have NOT failed. You’re still on a journey. I feel sometimes the universe is like, “Ok, you think you’re ready. Here’s a situation. Let’s see how you feel/react to it this time.” Like a checkpoint to see where we are at emotionally.
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Yes. Last year, I chanced upon a reel of my Twin kissing his wife. And it absolutely shattered me. I can’t even explain the pain I felt in my heart. Sometimes that image still appears in my mind; I honestly wish I never saw that reel. But yes to everything you just described. Anger, betrayal, hurt, feeling completely unworthy…
I’d like to believe that after the last 10 months of no contact and a lot of growth on my part, I am in a better place now. But I guess time will only tell.
Sending you love
Another reason I don’t chase my twin is I don’t want to get in trouble at work for harassing him. I’m conscious that he’s much younger and while our HR department used to be very much in the background there’s been a push more recently about acceptable behaviour.
But then we’ve had other people in relationships/get married who met there and it was fine so idk. I think this experience is so amplified it makes me more paranoid that I might somehow bother him. And he’s already running.
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The surrender is about letting go and trusting something bigger. Yeah, that’s brutal. The loneliness, the hurt, slowly builds trust in the universe piece by piece. Eventually realizing the runner isn’t that perfect love you built up in your head.
I think that’s what most of us are currently working through. Most people on the path know in theory what we’re supposed to do and we’re a work in progress for making it happen.
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