I use a quote for this post’s title, but I can’t find where it come from. So, if someone read this post and know the source, feel free to tell me.
Okay, I’m going to start. It’s not some heavy topic, and please give me an advice or suggestion.
So, today, we have an office outing for two days and a night. And, after a year, finally my TF (I suppose he is) attend this kind of activity. Actually, I truly wish that he withdraw from attending, like he usually did. But, after waiting until the last moment, he isn’t withdrawing at all. I just resign to my fate. Every day, I give affirmation to myself that it’s okay to love him still, it’s okay that I can’t really face him directly, because my body always betrayed me. Well, it’s funny, because at the beginning I am the one who is busy, trying to extinguish my chaser’s energy, but now I act like the one who is running. Then, last night, the school management share the bus’s seat allocation, and we’re in the same bus. Tell about lucky or unlucky?
Of course, my affirmation change, too. “What you need is to be present, be present with all the activity, be present for yourself, enjoy the day, enjoy the day out”
Honestly, I’m frightened when I see that he isn’t withdrawing. I’m afraid that I got too carried away, and became disappointed if he is indifferent toward me. But, I feel we both try to ignore each other😅.
The weird thing, at least for me, this past week, I feel restless and very anxious. My mind always goes to him, heavy before sleep, heavy after wake up. The last person I think before sleep, and the first person I think after I woke up. But, today. Those heaviness softly dissipate. Like, being in close proximity with him somehow calm me.
So, today when I see this:
I think I could feel grateful for today’s chance, today’s meeting, every stolen gaze, and every effort to stay indifferent that I failed.
Actually, I have two dreams this past two weeks, the first he called me, saying why we can’t be together, then proceed to text me, why I keep quiet even though he already did so many things, what I want him to do then. The second one, he is sleeping beside me, while I organize same paper, when he wake up, he talk about a lot of things, very mundane topic. But, when I want to touch his hair, he dodged it. Like, no don’t touch me, I want to talk.
I think I could feel grateful, too about that dream.
About tomorrow, let it unfold the way it should unfolding. But, I wish it’ll better than today.
And, I want to add a little thing, this past two weeks, around 9 PM onward, or when I am writing about him, here for the example, or in my journal, I always feel my heart beating steadily but strong, then I’ll feel the pulse on the base of my throat. Sometime it’s pulsating so strongly, and made me want to throw up, sometimes it’s just smooth and steady.
Do you think it’s has any relation with throat chakra? Or something else?