We said we’d be friends. I agreed to it. Whatever. Every time we hang out, I feel like I’m suffocating. They text me normal stuff, and I have to act normal back when really I want to scream. They’ve seen me at my worst. All of it. And now we’re supposed to do small talk?
I watch them laugh with other people, and it kills me. I’m the one who left, I know that. Can’t seem to stop fucking everything up. Some twins probably make the friend thing work. Not me, though. Every part of me wants them.
Is it possible to be just friends during separation and is it possible we just… stay friends and never anything more?
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I’ve watched hundreds of people try the “just friends” thing during separation.
I know a small number of the community think it’s possible (and sometimes even required) for TFs to remain platonic, but I have never seen any evidence for this.
What I do see over and over is that one person suffers while the other one stays comfortable. Usually, the person who initiated the friendship (the one who pulled away first) can handle it because they set the terms. The other person is white-knuckling through every conversation, pretending they’re fine with crumbs.
This isn’t even real friendship. It’s cope.
The intensity doesn’t just turn off because you both agreed to a label. You’re dealing with a connection that exists on physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual levels simultaneously. Trying to contain that in “friendship” is like trying to hold the ocean in a teacup.
In most cases, you agree to be friends. It lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. Every interaction rips open the same wound. Every single one. Eventually, one of you (usually the person who wanted more) can’t take it anymore and goes no contact. Or the chaser pushes and asks for more, which triggers the runner into overdrive.
The paradox is that complete separation often brings twins closer energetically than forced proximity ever did.
Friendship during active separation almost never works long-term. Both people need space to do their individual healing. You can’t heal a wound that you keep reopening.
I do think it’s possible for some people to do the healing work when they’re together… but I don’t think it works if they’re basically separated and calling it friends. Would love to hear if someone had an experience like this and it worked for them.
Friendship usually just prolongs both people’s pain. They’re going to feel the heart tug every time you’re together. You’re going to feel their longing and it’s going to make you want to run further.
If they’re truly your twin, the connection isn’t going anywhere. It exists whether you’re in contact or not. The healthiest thing is usually significant separation where both people focus on themselves - healing their wounds, building self-love, doing the inner work. Not monitoring each other’s lives through a friendship that neither of you can actually handle.
While the hurt and pain are going to manifest differently, neither the runner nor the chaser is equipped for this.
The fact that you “can’t seem to stop fucking everything up” suggests you’ve got healing work to do on yourself first. That doesn’t happen while maintaining contact. At least not to “remain friends,” maybe a little contact now and then is fine, even then, you might want to read this because you might be better off entirely checking out.
Yes, it’s possible you stay friends and never anything more. Twin flames don’t always end up together in this lifetime, at least. For some, friendship might be as close as you get. Although I do agree with others here, wehther that is real or healthy friendship might be up for debate.
For most of us, friendship during separation usually keeps both people stuck. The intensity overrides whatever conscious labels you put on it. You watch them with other people and it kills you because the feelings are romantic, not platonic. Acting normal back when you want to scream isn’t friendship - it’s just suppression.
Most people who successfully maintain friendship report “years of daily crying” before they could genuinely accept the loss of romantic possibility. That’s not an exaggeration. The grief has to be processed fully before friendship becomes anything other than torture. The real question isn’t can you be friends. It’s can you genuinely accept a platonic relationship without suffering, without hope, without watching them with others and feeling like you’re dying inside.
I haven’t tried it myself because while I think I want some kind of connection, if they’re still the most important person in your life, it won’t feel like friendship at all. You’d just be trying to perform the role of friend, but that wouldn’t actually match your heart. You wouldn’t even make a good friend because it wouldn’t be from a place of honesty.
You’ll be performing a role that doesn’t match what’s actually in your heart.
We tried the friend thing for eight months. I was miserable the entire time. He seemed fine because he was the one who wanted space to begin with. Finally, I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and went completely no contact. Three weeks later, he was blowing up my phone, saying he couldn’t stop thinking about me.
Roles reversed. Sometimes the only way forward is to actually let go, not this halfway friendship thing that just keeps both people stuck.
So can you stay friends? Maybe some people can pull it off. But for most of us? That attraction doesn’t take a break just because you agreed to some boundary. It’s always there, humming underneath everything.
Honestly, trying to force the ‘just friends’ thing during a separation usually means you’re fighting what wants to happen naturally. If there’s real love there and the timing works out later, you’ll probably end up back together as more than friends.
But that doesn’t mean you should stay in this weird middle ground that’s hurting both of you. Sometimes you need actual space instead of this painful pretend-everything’s-fine thing. If it’s supposed to work out, it will when you’re both actually ready.
Trying to cram it into a conventional “friendship” box often feels impossible because the energy is so much bigger than that. Small talk feels like a betrayal of the depth you’ve shared.
Look, I tried the friends thing too, and it’s brutal. Don’t do it. You sit there analyzing every text and every hangout for a sign of hope when there isn’t one. It’s not a friendship, it’s a front-row seat to them trying to move on.
The problem is that with my twin, the pull isn’t just emotional or spiritual. It’s everything. The way they move, the way they think, how their mind works when we’re trying to figure something out together, I’m drawn to all of it. You can’t just turn off being attracted to someone’s entire being. Their personality, their physical presence, the whole package.
Can some twins do it? Maybe. But when you’re sitting there forcing small talk with someone whose soul you recognize and whose laugh makes your heart race? When you know them at their worst and still want them at their best?
I don’t think you’re fucking anything up by admitting you can’t do this. Sometimes ‘just friends’ is a lie we tell ourselves to keep them in our orbit, but it’s like trying to breathe underwater.
I think on some level at least, you probably already know people were going to say no. Be honest with yourself. Do you think you could stay friends for longer than a few weeks?
When I’m around my twin, there’s this pull that goes way beyond anything I’ve felt with actual friends, and pretending otherwise feels like I’m constantly holding my breath underwater.
Every time we’d meet up for ‘casual coffee,’ I’d feel my heart chakra physically aching for days afterward. Not metaphorically. Physically. Like someone was squeezing it. Kundalini energy would surge during these ‘friend’ interactions in ways I couldn’t control. I’d be sitting across from them talking about their work or whatever mundane thing, and my spine would start heating up, my crown chakra activating, energy rushing through my body.
I’m supposed to be acting like a normal platonic friend? It was absolute torture.
This is so important, IMO. That kind of self-talk usually means there’s deeper work around self-worth and self-compassion that needs to happen.
The friendship framework becomes another way to avoid doing the hard inner work. It gives both people the illusion of connection while neither person is actually showing up authentically. You’re managing their comfort, they’re managing yours, and nobody’s actually healing.
You’re right - once you’ve crossed that line, there’s no going back. I’m just using this other relationship to cope with the fact that I can’t handle being ‘just friends’ with the person who actually matters.
I tried the ‘just friends’ thing too. It turned into this messy cycle where boundaries just dissolved. We’d say we were keeping it platonic, then end up right back where we started, over and over.
I couldn’t share someone physically while they explored connections with other people. That sounds cold maybe, but there’s nothing spiritual about ignoring basic self-respect and safety. The twin flame process doesn’t exempt us from being smart about our bodies and health. He kept saying he wanted me in his life forever, and I believed him. But I had to ask myself, in what version? The one where I’m available whenever the energy pulls us together, while he’s free to see where things go with others?
Guess I’m going to be the one to buck the trend then.
I think it can be possible, and it might even be easier than staying separated the whole time. For some, it might not be a good rule for everyone. YMMV.
Yeah, friendship might not be what you’re hoping for right now. But sometimes just existing in each other’s orbit, however messy and undefined, is what happens during separation. Things don’t operate on our timeline or our categories of ‘friend’ vs ‘more than friend.’
Sometimes, just being in each other’s lives just feels good. It makes the pain of separation easier.
Look, I’ve been in that suffocating space too. A lot of us probably have. Most of us are speaking from personal experience. Don’t do it. Learn from our mistakes.
I had to completely stop looking at their profiles and stories. The friendship thing was just another excuse for me to stay in their orbit while they figured their shit out. Sometimes you have to actually leave, not just change the label.
How do you even tell them friendship isn’t working for you without it sounding like an ultimatum? I keep rehearsing what I’d say, but I’m terrified they’ll choose to just walk away entirely rather than try again.
