I hear you, and I respect where you are right now. Sometimes what feels like giving up is actually the beginning of something deeper.
My coach told me something that really stuck with me. She said that the moment you truly release the need for a specific outcome is often the moment the energy shifts in ways you never expected. She wasn’t saying it to give me false hope, she was saying it because clinging to someone who isn’t showing up for you isn’t love, it’s self-abandonment.
So if this is your moment of choosing yourself, then that might be the most powerful thing you could do right now. Whether he comes back or not isn’t really the point anymore. The point is that you’re no longer willing to put your life on hold for someone who isn’t meeting you where you are. And that takes real strength.
I never thought I would get to the point I am right now. But here I am. For years I have held hope, positivity and patience in my heart. But after he reappeared on my birthday until now, I realised that I deserve so much more than the breadcrumbs he has been offering me. I am worthy of a love that shows up and whose words match their actions.
Five months ago, his return was all I wished for. Just to hear him say he misses me. That it was not all in my head. But now that he is back, I realised this half life is not at all what I imagined it would be. Until he does the work, and goes through his own journey of healing, I cannot and will not settle for less than I deserve
I sent him a text yesterday asking him to call me because I need to talk to him. If he does not respond by March 3 (which coincidentally is the same night of the eclipse where I am), then. I choose me. I am going to do what I never thought I would do. And that is walk away. It is going to hurt and burn a hole in my soul. But I need to do this for me.
I think about it a lot, it’s like I have enough with my TF. At some point, I feel that our TF own a karmic’s behaviour or energy, whether it’s related to us or amplified because we act as mirror to them. But, as understandable we are to them, or as tolerable we are, there would be some point we’ll have enough. And, that’s eventually when we put boundaries, not for them, but for ourselves.
And, I’ll say that it’s okay to do that, it’s okay to move forward by ourselves. It doesn’t mean we are giving up the journey. But, if holding this version of them do a lot more damage than letting go, for me, I prefer to let my hold go. I prefer to choose myself over and over again.
It’s not like all thoughts of him magically disappeared. I keep thinking of him in the background. I still wake up from my sleeps, from my naps, thinking about him. But, I feel lighter because I know that I could look away, and feeling fine doing it.
I don’t want anyone else either. That’s the part that terrifies me. Because if this doesn’t work out, then what? I just… exist? With this hole? I know people say focus on yourself and that’s supposed to be the point, but some days that answer feels so empty when all you want is to be chosen back.
The focus on yourself is a very big part of this. I already notice people around me reacting differently since I started the inner work. Your TF has to notice.
