We’re constantly told not to tolerate bad behavior in a relationship, and I don’t think my DM was ever intentionally trying to hurt me… but that doesn’t change some of the facts.
During separation, they crossed every boundary I had, from completely ghosting me to being with other women. Now, when we come back together, I don’t know how I’m going to forgive him and move forward. Any advice from people who have done this?
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We all understand why twin flames act the way they do. We know why we go through the difficult stages… but none of that really makes things easier in the moment.
Forgiveness (in this context) isn’t about saying what they did was okay. It’s not. They crossed your boundaries, and that matters. But staying angry keeps you energetically tied to their choices instead of your own healing. The spiritual teachings talk about forgiveness as releasing resentment for your peace, not for their comfort.
That said, you need to be honest with yourself. Some teachers will tell you to forgive and wait for reunion. Others will tell you that unconditional love doesn’t mean unconditional tolerance. Both can be true. You can forgive someone and still decide you deserve better than hot-and-cold behavior. You can release resentment while maintaining firm boundaries.
The DM probably wasn’t trying to hurt you. They were likely overwhelmed and handled it badly. But their intentions don’t erase the impact. When you come back together, pay attention to whether they’ve actually done inner work or just miss the connection. Real change shows up in actions, not just words.
The thing about forgiving them after separation is that you’re actually just forgiving yourself. I know that sounds like spiritual bypass, but hear me out.
Every boundary they crossed probably mirrors something you’re doing to yourself. When they ghosted you, where in your life are you abandoning yourself? When they chose others, where are you choosing everything except your own needs?
When my own separation ended, the apology never came like I always thought it would. But by the point I was ready for that stage, I have moved beyond it.
Now, I’m not saying to tolerate bad behavior. If someone is actively hurting you, distance is necessary. But if you’re in separation and they’re just… gone, living their life while you’re stuck in anger? That’s where forgiveness becomes your tool, not theirs. Release the bitterness because carrying it only keeps you small.
First of all, you don’t have to forgive them right now.
Give yourself permission to feel angry. Process it fully instead of spiritually bypassing into premature forgiveness. Real forgiveness happens when you’ve honored your pain, not skipped over it.
I’ve been exactly where you are.
Sometimes our own wounds make their actions hurt more than they otherwise would. When my DM was out there living their life during separation, I was devastated. But when I finally started doing my own healing work, I realized a lot of my reaction came from my abandonment trauma, not just what they actually did.
That doesn’t excuse boundary violations. It really doesn’t. But it helped me see the difference between what was genuinely unacceptable versus what felt unbearable because of my own unhealed places. I couldn’t even think clearly about forgiveness until I took real time away from obsessing over ‘us’ and worked on myself. Like six months of just not deciding anything. That space gave me clarity I never had when I was in the thick of the pain. The timing mattered. I wasn’t ready to forgive OR walk away until I’d healed enough to see the situation without all my trauma coloring every memory. I’m not saying you need to forgive him to be with him again. I’m saying you need to forgive him (or at least process what happened) to free yourself, whether you two reunite or not.
The decision about your future together can come later, when you’re not making it from a place of raw hurt. Does that resonate at all with where you’re at?
I forgive him, but that doesn’t mean what he did was okay. I still have boundaries. I just don’t want to carry around all that anger anymore. If he crossed every boundary during separation, he’s showing you he’s not ready. You get to decide how you’re treated. I still love my DM and always will. I hope he grows and works on himself, but I’m protecting myself in the meantime.
I have been struggling with the same thing. I thought we were on our way to union. Living together and for the most part happy. Then just like clockwork I let my guard down and he left in the middle of the night almost eight weeks ago. To make matters worse we are in no contact for the first time since we met three years ago. How do you forgive someone who has single handedly ripped your heart out? I think of him as that person. That person is unhealed, not very evolved yet and in pain. That person loves me. Of that I am certain. But that person is not the person I want anymore. I want what the person he is trying to become which leaves me no choice but to trust divine timing and know I will be okay no matter what happens. So to answer your question, of course I forgive that person who is flying blind but I know is probably trying really hard to heal right now. I forgive that person and can’t wait to meet the new and improved version. That version is the only one I will welcome back into my life.
Forgiveness is complicated. The standards we set for our twin flame need to apply across the board. Why would we hold everyone else in our lives to certain expectations but carve out exceptions for one person, even if they’re our twin? If a friend ghosted me repeatedly or a family member kept crossing my boundaries, would I just let them back in without any real change or accountability? Probably not.
So why does the twin flame label sometimes make us think we have to accept behavior we wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else? I’m not saying don’t forgive. Forgiveness is important for our own healing. But maybe the real question isn’t just ‘how do I forgive him?’ but also ‘what would need to be different for me to feel safe and respected in this connection?’
It took me hitting rock bottom during separation to even start understanding forgiveness, both for myself and what I put my TF through. When I stopped running and faced my own mess, that’s when I could see how much damage I’d caused. The spiritual stuff was hard for me to accept at first, but working through my own healing made space to feel remorse instead of just defending my actions genuinely.
It wasn’t overnight, but as I stabilized myself, forgiving became less about excusing what happened and more about understanding why we both needed that separation.
I’ve heard that the spiritual twin (me, and probably most of you here) is known as “compassion incarnate”, which might include the ability to forgive your twin for hurting you precisely where it hurts the most (because that’s sorta their job…) Perhaps that is why the spiritual twin is expected to “go first” in the journey. We have that gift of grace, strength and maturity to forgive , lead with love, and give it freely without expectation of return.
Forgiveness benefits the self because you are releasing the negative energy of anger and resentment and therefore makes your existence lighter and happier. Also you can forgive someone while also holding them accountable. It’s not about letting them off the hook.
As for how, I believe empathy is necessary, as is learning to process our pain versus reacting or holding onto it. Also; our twins are US. So if we cannot forgive our twin, there is somewhere we are also not forgiving ourselves and can be a good area to look at for healing.
I understand how hard this is. Sometimes the bad behavior during separation isn’t really about us - they’re just hitting their own rock bottom. Your DM might have been spiraling through their own crisis, and the ghosting and boundary-crossing wasn’t a calculated move to hurt you. Sometimes people need to fall apart before they can rebuild themselves. That doesn’t excuse the pain they caused you, but understanding why can help.
Here’s what helped me: let go of trying to control their process or their choices. You can only control your own healing and whether you choose to understand their side when they’re ready to share it.
Forgiveness starts when you can both talk about what happened - not just apologize, but actually understand how your actions affected each other. If your DM has done the inner work and can show you they get what they put you through, that’s when real healing can start. But you both have to be willing to see each other’s pain, not just your own.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or putting up with bad behavior again. It means letting go of the resentment so you can move forward.
Forgiving him means understanding we were both triggering each other’s deepest wounds during separation. When I stopped needing him to be perfect and focused on healing my own triggers, the resentment started lifting naturally. The boundary-crossing still happened and still hurt, but I had to accept that forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing what he did. It just means not letting those actions control my peace anymore.
I’m in the same boat wondering about this. I can’t seem to forgive my DM for the separation chaos until I forgive myself for how I showed up during our connection. I had my own toxic moments that I’m not exactly proud of. I’m currently stumbling through this whole self-compassion thing, which is harder than it sounds when you’re used to being your own worst critic. Still figuring out if forgiving ourselves first actually works or if I’m just avoiding the harder stuff.
I get where you’re coming from. The ghosting and other women thing during separation is common, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
You can’t forgive him until you forgive yourself first. And I know that sounds backwards because YOU didn’t do anything wrong, right? But we have to forgive ourselves for staying, for hoping, for all those moments we ignored our intuition, for the times we projected our own wounds onto them. Can I just rant for a second? The whole ‘triggered behavior vs. patterns’ thing drives me crazy because everyone wants to excuse everything as ‘oh we were just triggered!’
Being triggered explains one mistake, maybe two. But patterns of boundary-crossing? That’s different.
Your DM ghosting you repeatedly and being with other women - you need to look at whether that was a one-time reaction to fear or if it became a pattern of disrespect. What helped me was shifting my focus away from whether he’d come back or apologize, and instead asking myself: ‘What do I need to heal in myself?’ When I stopped chasing reconciliation and started working on my own healing, things changed.
It took a couple years, but that internal work is what eventually created space for real forgiveness, not the fake ‘I’m over it’ kind, but genuine release.
I’ve realized that forgiveness for me came when I understood we were both reacting from wounded places during separation (I went through this with a false twin too). But forgiving him doesn’t mean you have to accept what happened. You’re not that person anymore with those same boundaries.
Forgiving someone is one thing, but your body still remembers what happened. You can decide to forgive them mentally, but that doesn’t mean your nervous system has caught up yet. That part takes different work.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you pretend nothing happened or accept the same treatment again. I had to forgive my DM for my own peace, but I also made it clear that those old patterns won’t fly anymore. I did a cord-cutting meditation that helped me release the resentment without releasing the connection. Sounds contradictory, but it worked.
Never even thought that it would be a thing. I’m not saying they’re an angel, but neither was I. I’ve not felt the need to forgive them but neither felt like they would need forgiven.