I Want to Let Out Some Steam, Thank You. ☺️

[Yaneka_Herma]

Hello, guys.

I’m a new member that hopped over from Twin Flame Forum, and it’s the first time I write a post here. I’m not going into a lengthy explanation or story. Right now, I’m in a separation and no contact for over a year, and it’s my second separation, of course I hope it’s for the last☺️. Usually, when I’m posting something, it mean that I need to rant about some stuff or and need some encouragement.

We know that we already pass last month eclipse season, and I won’t lie that I feel awful during that periode, mentally and physically. But, actually I got a lot of lesson and growth, too. I think that after those windows, maybe stuff will get much easier or lighter, and it actually happens for maybe a week or two. Then, the energy change again.

Last week, as a homeroom teacher, I had a field trip for three days to another city with my students. The trip is fun, the students get a lot of knowledge. We had enough rest, honestly I feel fulfiled, grounded, and overall feeling very good myself. But, somehow, I feel some weird pull since early of the week. I could sense a sadness and restlessness, something heavy in my heart chakra, and it is getting worse during the trip, and yes! Of course I think about my TF whenever I observe those feeling.

The peak of this situation happens at friday night, I have a totally weird dream about us. In the dream, I see three peoples, a man and two women. The first woman is me. I can’t recognize the second woman, but I think she is a lot of mature than me, a decade or so. The man, I recognize as my TF, he is a lot of mature, too (My TF actually 5 years younger than I do). We have a very different look. From the faces, the vibes, the overall energy, it’s totally different. Within the dreamscape, I and my TF are in a committed relationship, it’s not clear whether it’s a marriage or not, and I could feel that there is life growing within me. But, I am worrying, has an apprehensions toward the second woman. She is kind of lurking in the background, always within our orbit, keeping tabs on us, and I could feel her hostility. I fear that in a moment of impulse she could endanger me and this one inside me. The “me” that observed this dream, the one who watch the dream with lucidity wondering what did I and my TF do to her that deserve those action. I even has this wild assumption, that maybe I destroyed her life.

As weird and wild this dream is, as suddenly it is over and I woke up, not wake up with wonder but I woke up with extremely craving, high sexual energy toward my TF (I said it, I am embarrassed because I said it ) and spend that precious saturday, crying a whole day, can’t put a finger on the reason of that tears, grounding myself so hard because of the “need”, and cry again because it’s futile. Don’t asked me how the tears stop, it’s just stop abruptly.

And I really want to do this to my TF:

And scream at his ear, “WTH, get a grip on yourself!! I don’t like it at all!!!”

No, actually I just want to jump him. Oh, God. It’s embarrassing and annoying at the same time.

Till this morning, I still wake up craving my TF, thankfully not as bad as last saturday.

I know it’s not as important, but I want to let it out from my chest. Thank you for your attention, guys. I still have no idea what that dream means, or why I woke up in that energy. I just let my self feel all the emotion, and do my activity as mindfully as possible.

[Yaneka_Herma]

I write this post in october last year. Around those period, I have a lot of hope toward my twin. Hoping that he’ll awaken if I am patient enough. Hoping that he realize that he choose wrong. Even, until very early this year, i still hold too much hope.

Even, in another post of this forum, I relatively happy, when I got to spend some time with him, and feel his gaze toward me. My hope increase.

I made a post on how happy I am here

As the sun fade, I find peace in the silence of the evening

I use a quote for this post’s title, but I can’t find where it come from. So, if someone read this post and know the source, feel free to tell me. Okay, I’m going to start. It’s not some heavy topic, and please give me an advice or suggestion. So, today, we have an office outing for two days and a night. And, after a year, finally my TF (I suppose he is) attend this kind of activity. Actually, I truly wish that he withdraw from attending, like he usually did. But, after waiting until the last …

But, just four days after that, my colleague told me that at the outing our workplace organize for us, my TF told her that he plan to commit to his current partner. And, my distraught self made a post again about it, immediately, here

The Venting Space

A few days ago, i made this post here. Today, a moment ago, my friend told me that she has a talk with him during the outing. She said that he is wearing a ring in his finger. Whether it’s truly an engagement ring, or a couple ring, I don’t know. Maybe, engagement. It’s a hearsay from my friend. He said that he already in a commited relationship with someone. My friend ask him, is it with my friend? And, he avoided it and hide his finger. He said that he doesn’t know how the relationship wil…

It’s already two months pass those situation. If I look back, I could say that I rather embarrassed with what I said and done on those two posts.

But, I choose to be understanding toward myself at that time, and accepting that this is how the journey unfold and how the path that I choose teach me.

During this two months of 2026, I heard a lot of accounts about my TF, and it’s definitely not a good one. Something that I always could find an excuse before, now, I can’t put a blind eye anymore.

Honestly, I have difficulty to describe how I feel at this moment. One part of me deeply care of him, still. Another part, feels reluctant to accept him. It’s not that he want to go back, I think he is happy with his current partner. It’s just that my emotion felt flat whenever he cross my mind.

I think knowing some fact about him getting close to a coworker before we separate, try to approach another coworker, who is married, not even a month after our separation, then a picture of him with a student circulating, already do some damage on my faith.

I just wondered, could a DM step that low? There’re a lot of people who said that a DM shall not be toxic, that ‘he’ will always treat you well, whatever the circumstance is between the twins. But, at the same time, I feel that it’s no longer my concern in how his journey unfold.

Right before the eclipse, I had a dream. It’s not exactly a dream about the DM. But, it carry a quite meaning. I believe that I’m in some photography workshop, I’m not skilled in that by the way. There is a multiple choice question that need to be answered, and I explained my answer like this:

So, I tell the member of the forum in my dream, the distinction feature from the object we captured is greatly influenced by the light reflected by the object. If the object could reflected it well, we could see the beauty clearly. But, if the object can’t, we could only see the shadowy figure, unclear and sketchy.

When, I woke up, I immediately think that maybe something isn’t like what its looks like, or, I am catching something in a wrong way.

But, a few days later, I feel that this dream could talk about our journey, the ‘light’ as the awareness, the ‘object’ as us. It talk about our ability to accept the ‘awareness’ or ‘light’ that being emitted to us. If we could accept and reflect it well, then our beauty will soar. But, if we can’t accept it, we are being clouded by ego, fear, or wound, we can’t reflect the light well.

Then I immediately thought about the DM, does it mean that he can’t reflect the light well? But, what can I do about it? There is nothing I could do. Like a moon that being covered by the clouds, only wind could scattered the clouds away. And, those wind is divine timing, divine will.

I have a complicated feelings about the dream, as if I understand what the dream want to convey, but at the same time I feel the difficulty to catch the nuance.

But, I wish this awareness will guide everybody whom maybe need it, especially me, of course, to get through this steep path which is the final line can’t be seen yet.