I write this post in october last year. Around those period, I have a lot of hope toward my twin. Hoping that he’ll awaken if I am patient enough. Hoping that he realize that he choose wrong. Even, until very early this year, i still hold too much hope.
Even, in another post of this forum, I relatively happy, when I got to spend some time with him, and feel his gaze toward me. My hope increase.
I made a post on how happy I am here
But, just four days after that, my colleague told me that at the outing our workplace organize for us, my TF told her that he plan to commit to his current partner. And, my distraught self made a post again about it, immediately, here
It’s already two months pass those situation. If I look back, I could say that I rather embarrassed with what I said and done on those two posts.
But, I choose to be understanding toward myself at that time, and accepting that this is how the journey unfold and how the path that I choose teach me.
During this two months of 2026, I heard a lot of accounts about my TF, and it’s definitely not a good one. Something that I always could find an excuse before, now, I can’t put a blind eye anymore.
Honestly, I have difficulty to describe how I feel at this moment. One part of me deeply care of him, still. Another part, feels reluctant to accept him. It’s not that he want to go back, I think he is happy with his current partner. It’s just that my emotion felt flat whenever he cross my mind.
I think knowing some fact about him getting close to a coworker before we separate, try to approach another coworker, who is married, not even a month after our separation, then a picture of him with a student circulating, already do some damage on my faith.
I just wondered, could a DM step that low? There’re a lot of people who said that a DM shall not be toxic, that ‘he’ will always treat you well, whatever the circumstance is between the twins. But, at the same time, I feel that it’s no longer my concern in how his journey unfold.
Right before the eclipse, I had a dream. It’s not exactly a dream about the DM. But, it carry a quite meaning. I believe that I’m in some photography workshop, I’m not skilled in that by the way. There is a multiple choice question that need to be answered, and I explained my answer like this:
So, I tell the member of the forum in my dream, the distinction feature from the object we captured is greatly influenced by the light reflected by the object. If the object could reflected it well, we could see the beauty clearly. But, if the object can’t, we could only see the shadowy figure, unclear and sketchy.
When, I woke up, I immediately think that maybe something isn’t like what its looks like, or, I am catching something in a wrong way.
But, a few days later, I feel that this dream could talk about our journey, the ‘light’ as the awareness, the ‘object’ as us. It talk about our ability to accept the ‘awareness’ or ‘light’ that being emitted to us. If we could accept and reflect it well, then our beauty will soar. But, if we can’t accept it, we are being clouded by ego, fear, or wound, we can’t reflect the light well.
Then I immediately thought about the DM, does it mean that he can’t reflect the light well? But, what can I do about it? There is nothing I could do. Like a moon that being covered by the clouds, only wind could scattered the clouds away. And, those wind is divine timing, divine will.
I have a complicated feelings about the dream, as if I understand what the dream want to convey, but at the same time I feel the difficulty to catch the nuance.
But, I wish this awareness will guide everybody whom maybe need it, especially me, of course, to get through this steep path which is the final line can’t be seen yet.