The Venting Space

General
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Ok. So, I just needed somewhere to get this off my chest because the weight of carrying all these feelings is knocking me a little off balance.

My Twin and I recently came out of a 10 month period of no contact. During these 10 months, I have managed to find some semblance of peace within myself. Even though the initial few months were absolute torture, it definitely did get better when I started meditating more, focusing on my life and myself, doing things that brought me joy and journaling. All in all. Filling my life with joy and trying to take my focus off him. I thought I managed to get a hold of myself even though the missing him energy, synchronicities, signs never really did stop. But I found a way to accept > show gratitude > release. I even have a mantra for myself: I return what is yours, and reclaim what is mine. I repeated this to myself whenever I feel overwhelmed by his energy. I genuinely thought I was making progress

Then, my birthday rocked up in October. He texted me at 11:56pm, 4 minutes before the day was over. My response to his text + videos of him playing some songs on the guitar and piano for me (my birthday present; a “mini concert”, he said), was a very simple, “Thank you :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: “

I thought that was that. Just continued going on with my life as per usual.

Then, he reached out again. No words, just a song. “Our” song. Sent to me via WhatsApp. My response was sending another song in exchange. And back and forth we went for a while. Then we stopped.

Since then, he has called, sent me more cryptic photos (often with a line like “You came to mind when I saw this”), songs, told me “You’re missed” and most recently over the last week, he called, and two hours later texted me, “I miss you”

He is going through this cycle of: Show vulnerability > Retreat > Return. And to be honest, it is kinda driving me insane. I don’t know why he is back, I don’t know what he wants, and as much as I would love to have that “honest” conversation with him, I know that he emotionally could not handle that kind of pressure right now and would most certainly retreat for good.

Does anyone have any advice? I am trying to stand still, stay grounded and not allow this to affect me too much, but I am only human.

I wish he would stay. Stand still for a moment, and just talk to me.

I keep reminding myself of the no contact period we just went through, and how much I wished he would just reach out. You’d think right now I would be happy and grateful for the contact, and I should be. But how do I shut off those feelings of fear of abandonment and anxiety, and just enjoy the moments as they come?

Writing all this out really made me feel a lot better. So whoever is reading this. Thank you for your time :growing_heart:

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42

Hi, @eunichick

Thank you for the reply. I’m fairly good. Still crying here and there, but I just let everything that weighing my mind come out. I just said it aloud, and try to release the resentment. Sometimes, I woken up at 3 AM, feeling heavy, then I just go straight into meditation, and said if the energy isn’t mine, to please send it back to the one who own it. I don’t know, I feel rather confused about it.

About your situation, I believe it’s confusing for you. Maybe, there is a small fear about the situation, after in no contact for almost a year, sudden communication it’s a bit surprising, but still I’m happy for you.

I think you could observe the situation first and respond to it in a very grounded way. No jumping into conclusion. Like, react in an equal give and take. I think you already did so well.

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Right after my twin left, 4 days actually, my son’s friend needed a place to stay. I am the only person he has in this entire state so of course I said yes. Ive known him almost his whole life and I think of him as my son. He knows about my spiritual journey and he is very receptive of it. Anyway, ever since he has been here he mirrors all of my physical symptoms. all of them since day one. I got on here to ask if anyone knew why I have been waking up in a sweat for months off and on. then it just hit me he keeps telling me he is waking up sweating. sometimes I feel like he is sucking the light out of me and its getting weird. I love him very much and I’m trying to help him get on his feet so he and his fiancé can finally be together with their son. He has definitely helped me get ready for my twin in the over giving department and setting boundaries. Other things as well. Just not sure how to look at this. It doesn’t feel toxic or anything super negative. Just draining when he is home all day. Sorry about the length of this. I started out just wanting to understand the night sweats. lol

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45

Hi all, just wanted to share my story up to now and possibly get some feedback as to is this a TF journey or am I loosing my marbles? Ive hit so many moments if feeling utterly crazy and more has happened since writing this out over a week ago…

So back in april 2024 after a very nasty breakup with my ex that left me homeless for 4 month, nothing to my name except my car which i slept in and a bag of clothes, i hit rock bottom, on suicide watch every 3 days but eventually managed to somewhat get back on my feet after choosing to keep alive in my ex’s name as i thought i wanted her back. I had good standing with all her family, she had moved away with another ex by now, but i stuck around, you know trying to hang on, but trying to heal. They gave me comfort as i felt close to her through them. But that april i attended a family birthday to help my ex’s disabled mum out and to drive her, to my suprise this woman walks into the room, by herself and i was like who is that? Instant energy notice, its like i could sense her vibration, i noticed her looking at me a few times over the next few hours with a puzzled look on her face, we had never met physically before. It ended up we bumped into each other on our own outside and we started up a conversation, all felt very very comfortable for someone like me who can be a little bit socially shy. It was her time to leave as she had work the next morning and i felt an instant no, please dont, but i just sat with it. I have a little bit of spiritual insight from inner work i did years previous but something was telling me, look at her car, there is something about her car. So i looked over to see a rubber chicken on her dashboard, instantly i shouted over and asked her if it was, she laughed and said yeah. I replied i have one in my car too, she was like nooooo way, so i run over to my car, grabbed my chicken held it up and honked her with it, she did same back as be both just hysterically laughed like a pair of kids not 42 year olds. We soon got talking online, the magnet had started, i ended up dating a girl, this made her feel very strange she admitted recently and i was on her mind a lot as she was on mine, now here comes the odd stuff, her repeating numbers is 1313 she had a major life change over 15 years ago where this started for her, i live at number 13, she now keeps getting 1313 show up nearly daily, im a 1111 person, its everywhere at moment but the syncs in our lives so far are utter madness too, like learning to drive, passing in same year and months back in 2012, living in same areas but just moving as one was moving into area, exact same breeds of pets, both have similar backgrounds with parents, both first borns with one brother younger sibling, we both have a recurring dream of the same house with loads of odd bathrooms, like we literally finished each others telling on this dream, similar health conditions, both our mothers 21 when they had us all way down to minor sync stuff, but the syncs between us are insane in amount and we continue to find more, as we built our friendship we found we had been getting very very close and both trying to hide the fact we are mad for each other with a pull so intense we cannot explain it, literally driving each other mad that feeling, never felt anything like this, its intense, no words can describe it, i feel her, i smell her scent if shes emotional all from distance, we both tap into each others thoughts or what we are doing at the time, but here is the kicker, shes married with a whole other life, but shes awakened to this odd thing with me and shes in utter confusion at moment, im single and have just kind of paused myself to throw myself into this research which after much reading am doing internal work and literally trying the surrender as this is where my journey with her so far has taken us, things are that intense between us, we are going through odd erratic behaviours, emotional highs and lows until we are with each other then we both feel at peace but with the burn undertone, and she says she feels like a completley new person now, never felt like this ever, i agree, there is a constant burn, yearn and vibration, we just cant shake it. As usual though neither of us want to hurt anyone but we both have clicked this is far too large to ignore. I guess i know the answer but i just wanted to share my story to see if you all would consider this a true TF journey. Im currebtly just trying self control, but its sooo damn hard, we meet regular and thats getting harder day by day, im practicing some mindfulness currently and chakra alignments to try and help but wow….out of the blue, so unexpected, im just baffled but kind of know deep down in my self awarness what all this is if you get me.

thank you to whoever reads my babble Its very appreciated.

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I thought I was doing ok. Starting to detach a bit here and there. Today I realised how far I am from detaching. That I’m still obsessing.

My DM’s team have been invited to a monthly remote meeting we have in our department. I felt a bit worked up at the thought of potentially seeing him again. Kept thinking haha universe maybe this reunion will be on a video call, does that count?! Found myself worrying about my appearance and mannerisms. Told myself he might not even be there. But what if he is. Over and over.

Seveal members of his team did short presentations, including his manager. But he wasn’t there. I had a lot of thoughts. Felt disappointed he wasn’t there when I’d built myself up to the possibility.

My thoughts, in order after I realised he’d not showed:

  1. Maybe he noticed I’d accepted the meeting invitation and is avoiding me, even on a group video call.

  2. Maybe he HATES me. This triggered self hate in myself for a bit. How could I be so stupid to think he’d want me etc. I’m not smart enough, not young enough.

After a while…

  1. Hmm maybe he’s busy doing something else.

  2. Maybe the others (senior team members) decided they’d go and he will go another time.

  3. Maybe he didn’t even know I was going anyway.

So yeah. It shows how much work I have to do and how I get triggered by these things and obsess about what he’s doing and how he thinks of me. Sigh. Tell me I’m not the only one who gets like this. Oh well it was good to acknowledge my feelings and think about it after. Areas I need to work on.

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You’re definitely not alone, @Greycat. Those similar thoughts come to me when my mind starts overthinking too :pleading_face:

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