The Venting Space

[eunichick]

That means a lot to read. Thank you.

I honestly never thought I’d get to this point of my own journey. But the moment I sent that text. I felt an immense weight lift from my shoulders. And it’s probably the best I’ve felt since he reentered my life. Since October I’ve been living in this in between space of these bursts of warmth and hope from him. But it is obvious to me that even tho his return has proven that the 10 months of silence did nothing to help him get over me, he has still not yet done the work he needs to do for us to even be remotely close to union

I heard a song today called “Come Back To Me by David Cook” and the lyrics spoke to me so deeply. “I can’t get close if you’re not there. I can’t get inside if there’s no soul to bare I can’t fix you, I can’t save you. It’s something you have to dO. So, I’ll let you go, I’ll set you free, and when you see what you need to see. When you find you, come back to me”

[Fire]

I was overtaken by a car two days ago with a licenseplate, I kid you not, DM-222-F.

Who or what is telling me something…

[Yaneka_Herma]

Hi, sorry for the late reply. Lately, I just feeling content and peace with myself, so I rarely check on the forum.

I always believe that 1111 is a new beginning number, in whatever it is. I remember writing this post in early or mid-January, in late January he change his number. But, because we’re a colleague at work, we got a notification of the change in group chat. Funnily, I realize it a few days after.

Honestly, I can’t put a hand on how to feel about him right now. I won’t say empty, more like I feel flat. And actually it’s being pushed by my disappointment to him.

During with me, he refuse to give me any status, he is very comfortable with a situationship, because he’ll have reason to said that there is nothing going on between us. He free to flirt, to pursue other.

Turns out, it’s not only a colleague, but two he put his eyes on. One of them already married. I know he is curious, can I get her, can I make her fall. Some textbook player like that. But, fortunately, my married colleague didn’t respond to his approach. If it’s only around our workplace. What about around his circle. Who knows.

So, at the present, I just let my hold go. I really wish that maybe, him choosing to commit to his current partner, means that he is grown. But, I truly doubt it today.

[Yaneka_Herma]

So, you’re a runner then. No, I’m not going to judge you. I already leave past that energy.

Last January, after my TF told some people that he plan to commit to his current partner (I won’t say it’s a karmic or soulmate, we won’t never know), he ask about me, whether I’m happy or not, our colleague said that I’m happy. He wish I’m happy all the way, and let bygone be bygone.

But, about two weeks later, he ask the same colleague to convey a message to me, asking me to move on. Albeit, I didn’t even do anything. No text, no call, no some weird heart-wrenching updates on my social media. Just none. And, I feel weird.

But, then I heard a lot of story about him. I feel disappointed, and his pedestal on my mind crumbled. I am getting thorn between my deep care of him and my disappointment to him.

Even now, I still trying to understand his choice. But, if you’re a runner, I want to send my gratitude for you, on sharing runner’s point of view in this matter. Thank you so much.

[eunichick]

Today is my Twin’s birthday and for the first year since we reconnected, I have zero intention of reaching out to wish him directly. I thought this day would bring me sadness and heaviness, but I have been feeling nothing but a gentle wave of peace through out the day. It feels so foreign for me to feel this way after months of anxiety and fear. It’s so refreshing, it’s scary.

I have this thought at the back of my mind. Not a bad one but. I feel as tho he’s been receiving greetings all day, but there is a feeling of “waiting”. Like he’s expecting I’m going to cave and wish him coz that’s what I have always done. And because he wished me at 11:59pm on my birthday (a minute before the day ended intentionally coz he said he wanted to be the last person to wish me), I feel as tho that is what he is expecting I will do for him today

I am proud of myself for standing my ground this time and just. Standing still. I’ve never felt more peaceful

[Yaneka_Herma]

So, you end up not wishing him birthday, then? I know it feels good. I did the same last month at his birthday.

[eunichick]

I did not, @Yaneka_Herma. I feel free

[Fire]

Came across this one on Facebook and thought I’d share. Can’t say I feel like this at the moment but I can relate to it.

[SowNReap]

Happy Eid al-Fitr and new astrological year! (Insane that Ramadan/Ramzan, Lent/Ash Wednesday, CNY all happened in almost the same day and with the start of Pisces season)

Noticeable barrage of 1111 and twin’s birthday number on my end. I guess he misses and at least thinks about me but the ball is on his court since he’s the one who blocked.

[eunichick]

I just need to let this out somewhere. So, I haven’t heard from him since Valentine’s Day. I sent him a text asking to talk after months of breadcrumbs. I wanted to tell him that I need to remove myself from this situation because it was giving me anxiety even tho before he remerged, I was healing and starting to feel whole again. I wanted to tell him that if we had to continue walking on eggshells with each other, I didn’t want to engage anymore. But of course, he did not call or respond to my simple text. I choose myself ultimately, and chose not to wish him on his birthday. But now, he orbiting my socials - not that I check but I noticed. I don’t understand what goes through his mind sometimes and I wish I understood why he came back and told me he missed me if ultimately he was going to just disappear again. I’m just having one of those days that I’m feeling frustrated. I’ll be ok. Thanks for reading. Sigh

[Galina]

I can’t keep up with this from my twin.

I’ll do a really complex task that’s hard work to stop you getting fired because of something someone else did, but I’ll berate you for it in front of both our bosses and negate all the effort I put into it.

I’ll laugh, joke, and willingly accept admiration from you but if anyone asks me about the communication between us I’ll turn you into a stalker and say you make me uncomfortable with your over-caring tone.

It’s giving me constant whiplash. Even when I don’t speak to him or message at all, his behaviour is confusing at best. Just wanted to voice this as it’s been an extremely difficult week at work for one reason and another and I am a bit done with the whole volatility thing

[MaddieQ]

I dont think he is at peace either. He wasnt even at peace before me. I do think we brought each other that for a time though. Perhaps thats the point of the message of peace…that’s what we each need to achieve. Maybe then we could have a chance? It just feels so hopeless when I have never known a peace like I felt with him. I dont know how to let go of the sadness. If it is always going to be tugging at me, then maybe he is always going to be in fear?

I am at a point in my life where a relationship isnt expected so I could stay alone…but I dont want to…yet I know no one will fill that space. I spent decades in a marriage that broke me, then met the other half of my soul…and was broken again. I dont understand why the universe wont let me be love and be loved. And do not tell me to love me! I actually do love the person I am but that doesnt take the loneliness away.

I have to ask though…as a runner do you ever consider reunion? Ever want to try? I just cant fathom not wanting to fill the emptiness that separation creates.

[Yaneka_Herma]

Hi, you okay now?

In my point of view, there is no use nor benefit for us in trying to understand how their minds work (it’s truly no offence for the runner who maybe read it), because we’ll see the same situation, but we’ll took a different drastic measurement on how to handle that.

I did that over and over again, try to understand, try to reason his choice and his behaviour. I stopped expecting him to see, even to take a peek on my socmed, so when he did, it coming out as a surprise to me.

I really wish I could say that he’s littering around your socmed is a good sign, that he feel you are pulling out, but I’m afraid that it’ll disturb your hard earned stable energy.

I forget when did I read it, it should be this morning or yesterday, but it said that the DF doesn’t have to understand everything about the DM. It sucks, disappointing and maybe a little in the ‘meh’ side. But, I could say that I’m totally agree with this statement.

I remember that there is a topic about a ‘Let Them Theory’, maybe in this forum or from the old forum, can’t remember it well. But, i think not thinking too deeply over their action is how we could apply this theory to ourselves.

[eunichick]

I’m back home for a holiday, and found out my Twin is also. He reached out after 2 months of silence and now we’re meeting for coffee tomorrow. I am terrified and nervous. I don’t know what to expect or what I should say. Pray for me

[Yaneka_Herma]

I’ll pray for you, of course. Wish everything goes well. I want to say not to be nervous, but it’s very normal human emotion. Just be ready, and enjoy the time.